I want to send out a huge “Thank You” to everyone that tuned into my Spike TV comedy special Saturday night.  The ratings were better than I could have ever hoped, and according to Spike’s press release 1.1 million people saw it, and it was the most watched thing on cable during it’s hour for men 18-34 and 18-49.  Now the dirty secret about television numbers is that ratings are horribly uninformed guesses at best, but those numbers are awesome for 12am to 1am on a Saturday, so I’ll take ‘em.
Of course it certainly didn’t hurt that I was on right after Diego Sanchez vs Clay Guida, one of the craziest fucking fights in the history of the Universe.

What all this number shit means for you, is that I’ll probably be able to do another one as soon as I have enough new material.
I couldn’t be in this position if it wasn’t for you people out there that enjoy my stuff, and I just want to let you all know that I appreciate it very much.
One of the things that I truly take pride in is that whenever I’m at a club the wait staff always tell me how cool my audiences are.
I have no idea how I pulled this off, but all over the country clubs consistently tell me that you people that come to see me are some of the most generous and friendly audiences that they ever see.
I have no idea how this happened, and I’m in no way taking any kind of credit for it, but I appreciate the fuck out of it.  I try to be as friendly and generous as I can, and when I hear that you guys are like that too it really means the fucking world to me.

I’m off to the Addison, Texas Improv this weekend with none other than Ari Shaffir and Joey Diaz.  If you enjoyed the comedy special, I’ve got a ton of material that wasn’t on that, as well as the real uncensored versions of the stuff they aired on Spike.
What’s really funny about the censored vs uncensored versions of my comedy special, was that the deal was when they were air it before 1am it would be censored, but after 1am it would be uncensored except for the word “faggot,” which in this goofy, politically correct, finger-pointing country we operate in has become the newest forbidden word.
Forget about context, that word is so evil it cannot even be uttered.  I don’t even use it to describe humans; I use it for a dog and some ants, but we’re being told that this is a word so heinous that context doesn’t matter.  It is FORBIDDEN!

Well, Saturday night rolls around, and they beeped just about every possible offending word including “dick” and “shit” but left in the 2 uses of “faggot.”  It was literally the only dirty word that made it though the censorship net at all, and it was the one that they said they wanted censored even from the uncut late night version.
Doh!
Go figure.  I don’t know how it happened, I just show up and do my act, but I thought that it was fucking hilarious that it didn’t get beeped.

I really wonder when as a culture we’re going to realize that words represent ideas, and that there are no “magic” words, and to give any word such a forbidden status just makes it all the more powerful when someone uses it.  It’s not like you’re ever going to stop people from saying “faggot,” you’re just going to make it have even more impact when it is used, especially when you try to say that any use of it at all, even in jest is unacceptably offensive.
What are even fucking crazier, are the people that say that it’s ok for gay guys to say it, but no one else – that it’s like black people and the word “nigger.”  I actually had a gay guy try to tell me that recently.  He said, “It’s our ‘nigger.’”  I told him that was probably the gayest thing I’ve ever heard him say, and that he could go fuck himself.

I’m not buying it.  Having one ridiculous, magic, forbidden word in our culture like “nigger” is bad enough, but to try to push for “faggot” to become the gay version of that at this late in the game is just fucking silly.
Celebrity gossip blogger “Perez Hilton” recently called Will.I.am from the black eye peas a faggot, and someone sucker punched him in the head for his indiscretion.  Apparently even if you’re gay yourself you can push some serious buttons with the use of this word!
The most disturbing thing about that whole event was the video that Perez put out giving his side of the story.  I DARE you to try to watch the whole thing.  It’s like waterboarding for your eyes and ears.  I made it through the first few minutes, but the reality overwhelmed me.  Seeing this yelling, spitting, gelatinous mass of a drama queen give his side of the story just forced me to think of what it must be like to actually be that guy, and I just couldn’t fucking take it.  I bailed at around 3 minutes.  I blame the weed.

Can’t we all just get along?

For the record, I think any kind of bigotry is contrary to, and in direct opposition of everything that is cool about people.  Love, friendship, art – bigotry is a toxin in all of those areas.  Nobody should give a fuck about whether you’re gay or straight, black or white.  I think the rational amongst us can all agree that humans should be judged on their own individual merit, not pre-judged into a group because it’s easier and requires less effort and thinking, and hating someone for being gay or for being anything else that doesn’t affect you is a horrible error in thinking.

That said… when someone sees you acting like a faggot, they should be able to call you on it.  It has absolutely nothing to do with being gay, and the straightest man in the entire world could have made that video and said those exact words in the manliest voice ever known, and it would still be an inarguable display of absolute faggotry.

Now, I’m sure a lot of you at this point are probably thinking, “Joe, what the fuck?  You’re really going on this much about Perez Hilton?  Not Iran, not, insane science experiments going on like the Jet Fusion research project – no, you wanna go on forever about celebrity bloggers getting hit with weak sucker punches?  Really?”
You’re right, and again… I blame the weed.
My point isn’t to hate on this Perez Hilton fellow, and I certainly don’t think he deserved to get hit.  He’s certainly not physically threatening, nor was he pretending to be, so going after him would in no way be a defensive thing.  It was an assault, and really kind of a bitch move.  But guess what?  That’s exactly what happens when you tell a black dude in a band, “You’re not a fucking artist, you’re a fucking faggot!”  It might not be right, but it’s probably gonna get you smacked.

You gotta give the li’l guy credit though, he got right up in dude’s face and said it with confidence.   That’s a strong line for a gelatinous, über-gay blogger to be using on a black guy in a band.  He even pissed off GLAAD.
I wonder if he uses that line all the time – like maybe it was his “go to” line whenever anyone started shit talking.

Like if he was at a restaurant complaining, “I would like to talk to your manager.”
“I AM the manager.”
“You’re not the fucking manager, you’re a fucking faggot!”
BAM!  Right in your FUCKING FACE!
When a guy THAT gay calls you a faggot, it definitely has some extra pop to it.
If you were really insecure and at a bad point in your life and he hit you with that, you might even consider it.  “Is he right?”  For a moment you will be weak, and that moment of weakness is when he’ll strike.  He will leap forth like a gay vampire, and as he sinks his gay fangs into your neck he is simultaneously marking you with the sweet, rotting scent of his acne puss as the zits on his face erupt against the stubble on your cheek.
You will be turned.

What the fuck am I talking about?  Exactly.  I was just asking myself the same thing.
Sorry.  I think I’ve been reading too much Stephen King lately, and again… I blame the weed.

So, in closing, my message in this blog is, thank you very much to all my fans, I’ll be at the Addison, Texas improv this Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and please, for the sake of all that’s good in the world, don’t be a faggot.

This was my 40th birthday cake given to me by my dear friends, just to let you know that faggot can also be a term of endearment.

Here’s some uncensored preview clips.  Spike is going to air it with beeps to cover the naughty words before 1am, and then when they repeat it after 1am it will be served up in all of it’s potty mouthed glory.  Subject-wise I was actually really surprised and happy with what Spike let me get away with.  The only thing I thought was a bit silly was that even in the uncensored show they bleeped out the word “faggot.”  I don’t even use the word to describe humans, it’s used for my dog and some ants.  That’s a subject for another time though, as it’s 12:30 in Vegas right now and I’ve got to head downstairs and get some food in me before tonight’s fights.

Check your local listings, but the comedy special is set to air at midnight, right after the finals of the Ultimate Fighter.  If you just happen to be in Vegas tonight, I’m having a party at Tao nightclub to celebrate the premiere of the comedy special, so come on out and have a drink and get festive with the crew!

I hope you enjoy the clips!

Talking Monkeys in Space: Pot

Talking Monkeys in Space: Evolution

Talking Monkeys in Space: Tiger Attack

Talking Monkeys in Space: Dr. Phil

Due to all the heavy traffic this site has been getting we had to upgrade the servers hosting this site and replace them with newer, more powerful technology. We also have it set up now where comments in the blogs will be done through vbulletin, so to comment now you just have to register for the forums and your login and password will also allow you to comment here.
If you had already registered for wordpress and had been posting comments here before, I apologize but you’ll have to re-register now. This just makes commenting easier and consolidates the two groups so that if you post comments you can also post in the forum.

Now, if you’ve only read my blogs and have never visited the forums it’s a pretty cool and unusual place. There’s over 2,000,000 posts there, and anytime ANYTHING fucked up or interesting is happening on the internet I can guarantee you’re going to find it on that board. It’s a very eclectic group of people discussing everything from democracy, to animal attacks, to conspiracy theories, to scientific discoveries, to shit eating porn.

It’s all in there. It’s a very addictive place to visit. Lots of really, intelligent, funny people post there, along of course with the usual gangs of douche bags that any anonymous internet forum attracts.
The way we have it set up on the forums is that I didn’t want to censor anyone, but a few annoying individuals can really ruin the atmosphere of a message board. Instead of banning them, we decided to create a sub forum for people with behavior problems called “Special Ed.” In there the posters banished to the sub forum get pink names and are only allowed to post there.
Regular posters can choose to post in either forum. It’s a nice way of avoiding censorship while still weeding out the douchey-ness.

There’s some truly epic threads on the forum, one of the greatest being “pic of the day.” It’s a thread where people post any fucked up or cool image that they find on the internet. There’s thousands of insane, beautiful and horrendous pictures in there. The only rule is don’t post anything that’s illegal, and don’t be an asshole. So please sign up, and please feel free to post on the board and for the folks that were already registered to post in the older blog here please re-register so that you can continue to post comments here. I really, really appreciate them, and I really appreciate all the feedback that I get from writing this blog. I’m glad some of you enjoy it, and that certainly motivates me to keep writing more new shit for you guys.
I’m working on one about my trip to Germany, and I hope to have it done either tonight or maybe tomorrow.

Also, if you’re going to be in Vegas this weekend, I’m hosting a party at Tao Nightclub at the Venetian Hotel to celebrate my comedy special premiering on Spike TV this Saturday night. Joey Diaz and Ari Shaffir will be joining me, so if you’re going to be out there come on out and join in the fun. We’ll take lots of pictures, and if you’re lucky Joey will show you his balls.

Are you experienced?

I ran into a fellow stand up comic at the airport yesterday, and he was there with his wife and his baby boy. Ever since my daughter was born I have acquired this immense fascination with babies. I see them everywhere, and I can’t take my eyes off them. I spot them all over the place, and occasionally these babies will be with a full grown human that I already know. That’s what happened yesterday at LAX.
I looked up and saw this cute little baby being held by one of the Sklar brothers, an LA comedy team of twins.
I wasn’t sure which twin it was, but they’re both really nice guys, so I’m equally happy to see either one.

“You made a person?”

“I made a person.”

“Wow. That’s awesome man, congrats. I made one too.”

And just like that, we were “those guys.”
We were the kind of men that I used to see in my younger days and shake my head in confusion. Two flowery, baby-loving weirdoes – wild eyed and intoxicated, tripping on the true opiate of the masses.

His wife came over and the baby love-talk escalated to the point where I started to feel light-headed. The three of us just sat there and expressed our new parent delight with each other in the presence of their beautiful, 6 month old boy like a trio of junkies waxing poetically on hitting the thickest vein with the sweetest smack.

Making a human is a truly surreal experience. It’s so titanically bizarre that I always compare it to a psychedelic trip, in that if it hasn’t happened to you there’s almost no way that I can accurately express to you what it’s like. You just have to experience it.

I used to dismiss a lot of experiences that I hadn’t had yet, simply because it’s easier to do than consider them or actually go out and have them. The world was confusing enough to me when I was a young man, and the last thing I thought I wanted back then was to have my ego obliterated by some monumentally humbling experience. Back then I just wanted to feel secure and get my life in order. I didn’t need more questions, I just needed a life.

Once I felt like I had some semblance of a life, then I started asking questions, and from there the true nature of this life began to slowly unfold. One of the craziest things that I’ve learned from any enlightening experience, it’s that every time I learn something new whatever knowledge I gain from it brings with it many, many times more new questions.

I remember my first mushroom trip. I was somewhere around 30 years old. I tried as much as I could to be a good person back then, but I was (and still am) very much a work in progress. I wasn’t sure what I wanted out of life other than to be happy, and I wasn’t exactly sure how to pull that off. I found a tremendous amount of people to be annoying, and I had to do my best to calm my natural tendency to be hyper-aggressive. Don’t get me wrong – I’ve always strived to be a good person and do the right thing in my life, but occasionally I struggled with douchy-ness.

Enter, my friend the magic mushroom.
They don’t taste like much. They’re almost like a slightly more boring version of some kind of hippie vegan rice cake snack that you might get at a local health food store. I bet if you could add some sort of a spicy, salty seasoning to them they could be even be quite tasty. You don’t do it, though.
Why? Because for some reason it just doesn’t seem right. It seems insulting.

Some people do change the flavor of it, and I’m pretty sure they still get there, but the way I’ve always looked at it is that if you’re really having that much of a problem with the taste, then you’ve either got some really weird taste buds, or you’re a whiny bitch that has a shitty attitude, and you’ll complain about just about anything, and that’s a terrible attitude to have going into a trip.

People on fear factor ate rotten animal dicks for a chance at $50,000 dollars and you’re telling me you have a problem eating bland fungus for a chance at contacting god?

Wait… Contacting who?

Now, if my young self had ever heard my current self saying something this crazy, I would have thought that I was a fucking crackpot, and I would have probably immediately dismissed me. I was far more convinced that I had the answers that I needed from life back then than I am now, and anything that challenged that perception was just labeled “bullshit” for my own protection.

I’ve had many intense psychedelic experiences, and one of the most profound effects of these trips isn’t just that the world feels strange when you’re on them, but that the world is forever changed once you’re back. Once the genie is out of the bottle it’s impossible to forget.

Mushrooms were the first real psychedelics that I tried, so I really had no idea what to expect. I heard that you “hallucinate” on them, so I expected to see a bunch of shit that wasn’t there. What actually happened was far stranger than that.

I didn’t see anything that wasn’t there, but I did see the things that have always been there in a totally different way. The first thing I noticed after I started to feel “funny” was that there seemed to be an underlying geometric pattern to everything that I could never see before. It was almost like I had put on some goggles that allowed me to see secret connections that everything shared.

Everything seemed to be made of these patterns, and despite the solid nature of the world I was looking at, it almost felt like what I was seeing was that everything that seemed separate was actually just one huge, all encompassing thing expressing itself in different frequencies.

As the trip got deeper the natural world around me seemed to be made out of thoughts, and as the effects of the mushrooms made these thoughts stranger and stranger, the world itself seemed to merge with these thoughts and become indistinguishable.

The hills were breathing. I watched them pulsate in and out in fascination, until I realized that it was my own breath that was making this happen. It was like I was now looking at the world as it was being projected onto a very thin screen, and every time I breathed it was teasing me with what was behind the screen like a hot chick wearing see-through lingerie.

By this time I was psychically naked for the first time in my life. I realized how much of what I thought of as “me” was just psychic armor that I had applied long ago and forgotten about. Social status, accumulated material possessions, accomplishments, friendships and feuds alike – all stripped away to reveal a core; a core with no language, no culture, and no fear.
Then this core was shown the true nature of this world, and I watched things that I always thought of as “normal” as if I was a visiting alien from another galaxy.

All the predetermined patterns of behavior that we follow were all revealed like tracks on a grid, and the more we follow these tracks the less we have to think. The tracks can be completely bizarre, but as long as they’re there even the most unlikely of patterns will be followed.
African women will cut their lips and stretch them out to fit plates. American men will wrap a traditional cloth around their neck and hang it in front of their chest in order to be taken seriously in a business meeting. It was all the same thing manifesting itself in different actions.

I saw the whole world like I would see it if I was an alien. Eventually I came back, and the world stopped breathing, and the mushrooms stopped talking to me – but I don’t think I’ve ever looked at anything the same way since.

I’ve always said that if we were seeing our world not even as an alien, but just from the perspective of people living a few hundred years ago it would seem almost impossibly bizarre. I have this routine that I follow where I hire a car to take me to the airport, and while he’s driving I sit in the back seat and get on the internet on my laptop.
Seems pretty normal and straight forward to most folks.

Now if you really think about it, just 400 years ago this “normal” routine that I have would have been the stuff of the strangest fiction.
I’m moving faster than a sprinting horse inside a big metal box that’s powered by tiny controlled explosions and we’re rolling over a hard, man made surface that’s interconnected throughout the entire continent. I’m typing away on a machine that is interfaced with the entire world through some invisible signal that almost instantly connects me to the entire current sum of accumulated human knowledge, and while all this crazy shit is happening, I’ll occasionally pull out something smaller than my hand, and I’ll use it to talk to people that are on the other side of the fucking world.

I will eventually get to a giant group of buildings where I will be scanned for explosives. I’ll then be strapped into a metal tube that’s also powered by explosions, and along with hundreds of other people I’ll be hurled through the sky so high that you can see the curve of the earth, and so fast that you literally go forward in time for the slightest fraction of a second.

What…
The…
Fuck.

To pay for all of this I don’t give them gold coins, or a goat, or even let them fuck me. All I have to do is let them hold on to a small card that I have, and then I’ll scribble something that’s supposed to represent “me” on a piece of paper. This stands as an agreement that I am willing to pay in the future for this experience, and I will use this strange method to aquire everything in my life.

At the end of each 30 days I will pay for the total that I owe by, wait for it… writing on a piece of paper. Most of my bills are paid online now, so in that case I’m not even writing anything. I’m just pressing on little buttons, and those little button presses support me and fortify my life.

That’s our everyday life, and if you lived 500 years ago and explained that this is what the future would be like there would be a very good chance that a group of people would burn you at the stake.

I’m sitting in a hotel room in Nashville right now finishing this up. I will copy and paste it into a location that my web browser is pointed to, and it will be read by thousands of people almost immediately. I’ll then head out to a club in town where people have agreed to come and listen to me make noises with my mouth that represent the focused thoughts bouncing around in my mind.
These thoughts will make people think, and by laughing at them, they will actually make people feel better.

I will never say that I truly understand this world, because the more I learn about it the more I feel that’s actually impossible.
What I can say though, is that as strange as it is, I appreciate every bizarre moment of it. I appreciate the freedom to think this way, and I appreciate the patience and attention of all you people reading and considering all this crazy shit.

It would be a lot easier to understand what the fuck I’m talking about if you did some mushrooms. Or had a baby. Either one, really.

Mad love to you all.

I made this video yesterday and posted it on youtube and twitter, and it’s gotten a tremendous response. Apparently there are a lot of us closet fanny pack lovers (maybe not the best term?) and we’re sick and tired of having to hide our appreciation for a functional wardrobe choice.

It’s started a tremendous debate on my messageboard, and from that debate we have acquired support from fanny pack wearing bad asses all over the planet, including Chuck Motherfucking Norris, Hulk Motherfucking Hogan, and of course the great Anderson Silva, the #1 pound for pound fighter on the planet.

I’ve got other examples of fanny pack wearing bad-assery as well for all you haters, so you can just go suck it! The fanny pack is making a comeback!

If you’re in the Nashville area this weekend and you want to show support for the wearing of fanny packs, or you just want to see some wholesome, homegrown American stand up comedy, I’ll be at Zanie’s in Nashville tonight, Friday, June 5th for two shows and tomorrow, Saturday, June 6th for two more.

If you show up wearing a fanny pack I’ll buy you a beer and film you for the internet!
We can win this fashion war, people. But we’ve got to stick together.
See you bitches in Nashville!!