My friend Ari’s butthole and me watching 2 girls 1 cup.
There have often been moments in my life where I sat back and thought, how the fuck did I ever get by without the internet?
Between google searching for answers and information, to finding forums filled with like-minded people to talk to, it’s just so much shit to tune into on the net.
There’s been many days where I just sit in front of my computer for hours and hours, just reading and posting on forums, clicking on fucked up videos, reading people’s blogs…
Blogs are some of my favorite, to read and to write. You’ve got to read a lot of boring ones to find something juicy, but it’s always worth it.
You can find some amazing gems out there that you would never have access to if it wasn’t the internet. Like for example, there’s this gay crossdresser in San Francisco that has this great blog on myspace. Before the internet, how am I going to read that shit? It would either have to be published in some mainstream magazine, or someone would have to tell me about it and give me a copy of it, because I sure as fuck am not going to just walk into a store and buy it. Today, I can just click this link and laugh at it, and so can you too.
Another thing we have on the internet is answers.
Not just answers to regular questions like, “what is the speed of light,” or “who really killed Kennedy,” but those questions that we never thought we would have answers to if we lived a normal life. Questions that come up after the 4th bong rip… Questions like, “Do you think there’s dude’s out there that actually WANT to get fucked in the ass by pigs?”
Now, back in the days before the internet, you were dealing with pure speculation for the most part. I mean, back in the day if the subject came up there was usually one dude that knew someone that had a tape of some chicks having sex with animals, but the question of whether or not there were guys out there getting fucked by animals… no one really knew.
Today, all you have to do is click this link and you can watch it.
Shit, there’s entire sites dedicated to it! Sites that anyone with an iphone can get to standing pretty much anywhere in America where there’s a cell signal.
That’s some pretty amazing progress. I know it’s silly to think in terms of a video of a dude getting fucked in the ass by a pig as having anything to do with progress, but it really is if you think about it. It’s the ultimate expression of the progress of the access of information now as opposed to when there was no internet. Something that was once very, very hard to come by is now instantly accessible all over the world.
Today, I’m going to add to the current of fucked up videos out there on the net, and we’re also going to add to the current of videos of people reviewing fucked up videos on the net.
First, the new one. It’s all about my friend Ari’s butthole.
Now, how exactly did this come up? Definitely a legitimate question.
We were doing a gig together in Austin, TX and when I was onstage Ari was in the green room taking a shit. Apparently Brian was filming him because Ari had the door open, and at one point in time Ari showed them his butthole to gross them out.
Little did he know how gross it really was.
I would imagine that like most people, Ari really didn’t know what his butthole looked like. I know I sure couldn’t pick mine out in a line up. I’m not saying I haven’t looked at it in the mirror before, because I certainly have, but looking at a photo of it on it’s own without me upside down staring into the mirror for context, I doubt if I would truly recognize it.
Well, it just so happens that my good friend Ari has a very unusual butthole.
I think I’ll just leave it at that.
Sit back, strap in your seat belts and enjoy the UN-CENSORED version of one of the funniest videos we’ve ever made.
Enjoy!!
Pretty fucking nasty, huh?
Speaking of pretty fucking nasty, I’m sure a lot of you have seen the latest video floating around called “two girls and 1 cup,” right?
If you haven’t it’s easily one of the grossest videos ever. You can see it here.
It’s so shocking that there’s a whole ton of really entertaining videos out there of people watching it for the first time.
We filmed one of me watching it, and then me showing my friend Brian watching the BME Pain Olympics and me filming him.
The BME pain Olympics is fucking NUTS. It’s these dudes cutting their dicks off, slamming hatchets into their balls, cutting their testicles out… it’s fucking INSANE.
You can find the BME Pain Olympics here.
And the video of us watching 2 girls 1 cup and the pain Olympics here:
I’ll be at Caroline’s on Broadway this Friday night for one show at midnight, along with Ari Shaffir and his shocking butthole. If you’re nice enough to him after the show, I’m sure he’ll let you see it. Hell, he might even let you take pictures with it!
To find out about future shows, please sign up for my mailing list here.
As soon as the new front portal for this site is done I’m going to have weekly contests where we draw from the list and give people free tickets to shows and we’re going to film the winners and put it on youtube. With your permission, of course.
I’ll be on Opie and Anthony Friday morning on FM and XM radio, and I’ll see you at the UFC Saturday night!
A buddy of mine sent me the link a week ago, I couldn’t watch the whole thing as I too sometimes exhibit pussy like qualities in certain situations. Same thing with the dick chopping, I couldn’t handle it.
But your reactions are awesome!
You’re an ass hole Joe Rogan! I just watched the BME Olympics to see how bad it was. I need someone to blame right now and you’re him! SO GNARLY!
Hey, joe! I still can’t watch that 2 girls 1 cup thing without filling up the commode! I get the problem when trying to change baby diapers or when picking up dog poo! However, for the life of me I can’t figure out why other than morbid curiosity that I watched the dick chopping, ball mashing Ronco all in one wonder video!
I can’t get the image of that guy doing that to himself out of my HEAD! As to why he did it, I am not sure! But I have come to suspect:
1. possible gun or other deadly weapon to head, or threat thereof to self or people for which he cares if he fails to chop them off!
2. drug addiction such as the shit eating ho’s that required an 8-ball in order to perform, sure if an 8-ball can do that, it can allow a guy to cut off his balls and dick!
3. the guy is a plain psycho and needs help badly, was likely told by his lover that his dick and balls are not his to do with as he pleases and that his dick and balls belong to said lover; then in order to seek retribution against his lover he cuts off his dick and balls and presents them as a parting gift and then leads a life of solitude until an infections flesh eating disease eats out his carcass because of his unsafe operating procedures!!!!
Could you do some research and find out what this guys motivation is? Because my number 4 possibility is a mini-novella!
Now as to your friend Ari and his asshole!
He needs to see a family doctor ASAP! Seriously, he might not think so, but people die from distended bowels all the time.
Ari has one of two problems, if not both at a minimum, from what I could see in the video. I know because I have had a similar fate. What I have learned about hemorhoids, i had 12 is this.
1. Don’t sit longer than 5 minutes which is how long takes to make a shit. Sitting any longer will cause your asshole to distend or prolapse, subsequent pressure by your exertion will cause the veins in your hole to engorge with blood. Repeatedly doing this will cause those veins to become irritated and if close enough to rectum to either drop through or otherwise get caught by a sphincter muscle. The result causing the feeling of broken glass and or the effect of shitting hot magma and or lava, or just the idea of shitting glass!
2. Start drinking water! You don’t have to stop drinking the other stuff, but you must add water back to your diet! You need a minimum of 4 tall glasses of unadulterated water, either from the local city supply (faucet) or bottled, if it looks, smells and tastes like water, it is water, drink it! Water that our body doesn’t have to preprocess before it can use is life giving water and used for evertyhing include bowel lubrication. Ari will start to shit much easier!
3. Stop eating fast food! If all the effort it takes to get something to eat involves a drive through window, or the restaraunt you are using involves a drive through window then you need to limit how much food you get from there! Fast food as a nutritive source should be limited to about 1 in 10 meals. Also fast food is notorious for making brick turds which leads to violations of the above two ultimatums.
4. Add a salad! At least once every 2 to 3 days, eat a full salad. It does matter what kind or if it has dressing! The ruffage is what you need. The ruffage and do not confuse that with rough stays in the intestines, absorbs water and helps bind those little pieces of shit that make you feel like you need to take a shit when you don’t into a larger more contiguous turd. Thus allowing you to defecate more easily when the urge strikes. Note: the salad material on any fast food sandwich doesn’t constitute a salad in any way shape or form. Your full salad will be at the smallest a half head of any type of lettuce plus other raw uncooked vegetables thrown in for taste, look and texture. Don’t add corn, it is too disturbing and a guaranteed irritant for those of us with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), hemorrhoids and distended bowels.
5. Go when there is an urge! But do not exert, simply relax and slightly use your diaphragm to get the poop moving! If nothing comes out, then stop immediately, wipe, pull up your pants, wash your hands and wait for the next urge! DO NOT SUPPRESS THE URGE! I know this must be hard for a standup comic, but he is going to half to make some sacrifices for at least 6 months until he relearns how to take a shit. One of the primary causes here is that we have forgotten how to take shit! Therefore we must relearn how to take shit. It probably started the first time he ate someone’s lasagna or went for a double dare at maximum eating at a fast food restaurant with the subsequent day resulting in a constipation movement. He knew he needed to take a shit but couldn’t perform, so he pushed that son of a bitch out! Well, that violates some of the rules I have laid out already, which lead to these problems.
6. The toilet is a not a private study! Do not go in there to read, play games, talk on the cell phone. You shower in it, you wash your hands, brush your teeth take a 5 minute or less shit! But never ever are you to use as an office or as a substitute living room! EVER!
7. Avoid Surgery! If it all possible, avoid surgery. Surgery weakens the rectum, anus and sphincters. They don’t recover, you will have slight oozing problems afterwards! But there are some cases that are so fucking extreme, for instance such as the people who don’t take good advice and sit and push and push and sit and read the god damn Sunday newspaper, install a tv in the bathroom, switch channels, answer the cell phone, play on their sony psps (Ari!!!!). And then their hemorrhoids and other problems down there just stay on the outside and never ever go back in and they walk around like they have a basketball in their shorts! Those people have to have surgery! Then they start to follow the above rules! Thankfully, I did not need surgery!
8. Prescription Laxatives only! Ari needs to use what the doctor prescribes. Traditional store laxatives will make his problems worse. I personally use Glycolax which is prescribe. It does not work in the way you think that a laxative works but it does help you to shit! I suggest Glycolax for Ari! You mix Glycolax into water and then drink it. This concoction now moves through your system and helps your intestines to bring in more water and helps the water to bind to your shit, thus lubricating it ensuring that you will shit when the urge to shit occurs.
9. Prescription Ass Cream only! Do not bother with any of the hemorrhoidal and or anti-inflammatory creams and ointments on the shelf, this includes preparation H. I recommend Proctosol with contains a 2.5% by volume steroid for maximum tissue reduction. Don’t use the applicator! Just put some of the product on the toilet paper and mash it about. Apply evenly to the inflamed tissues. Do not wipe it away. Leave it there.
10. Memorize these rules! Including this one! Print it out and learn it. It is your mantra now! When you fall to the wayside and stop doing them and notice you have a symptom coming on, you quickly get back to these rules and within 1 day or less you will recover!
I had 12 hemorrhoids. We believe they were caused by my working 16 hour days and eating fast food only. I own a computer services company and at the time I was the only employee. Well I never had hemorrhoids before I started to research on them, they were painful to shit through! So without doctor supervision I started to learn the rules. Had I included the doctor, I would have received the Glycolax and Proctosol (prescription ass cream) on the get go and not had the following problems. I had learned why I got them and that I had to relearn how and when to take a shit. In the process of learning to go by urge only not forcing it, I ended up not using my diaphragm to start the shit process caused a severe internal impaction. Which is when the shit all binds together! Gets stuck on one of the bends. And your body not know what to do with starts to suck the water out of it and to calcify it that same time. So now you have this shit in you the consistency of dried cement about 1.5 ft long. Not being the surgery type I had me mum (thanks mom) help me to apply the Fleets Enema of which I was to only hold for 5 minutes but held for 2 hours! I was in that much pain and forgotten how to shit so badly I couldn’t tell that I had the enema in me! Well after walking around for a bit I felt that tap you get when you diarrhea. Only it was a tap, tap tap or tappity tap tap. It was mother fucking KNOCK, KNOCKITTY KNOCK KNOCK! And so I sat down on the commode. Not know how this enema crap worked! I tried to relax and let it come out. Noooooo, it did not come out. So I exterted and it came out little. I stop to grab my breath and the MOTHER FUCKING TURD went back up into my Ass! Now, I had forgotten about the 12 hemorrhoids, cause this pain was worse and each time I played this game with this turd the more numb I became, or so I thought! I pushed that mother fucker out further this time and I stopped to breath and it fucking shot back up into my ass! My eyes are fucking popping out of my head! I am disbelief, I don’t want to be stuck here like this, have the fucking ambulance get me cause I can’t take a shit! While I am breathing and dreadfully pitying my situation, the enema starts to really kick in, because that fucking turd has slid up and down and up and down in my ass! Then that mother fuck broke loose at full speed and spread my ass open wide and rupture my god damn rectum! You could hear it too, rushing into commode water like a 1000 horses running across a river! Only, thing was, I could hear, everybody else in the house and the neighborhood heard me screaming! Ah! Ah! Ahhh! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Like the red necks that we are, or maybe cause mother works in a medical laboratory she poke that thing with a painters stick. The stick bent. We pushed it harder. The stick broke! So, we had to wait for that turd to absorb some water from the bowl. Then mash it up with the plunger and finally it would flush! No, I’m sorry I don’t have a picture of it, and we knew we should have gotten one! And No, I will not for any amount of money, posterity or prestige make another turd like that. But I will tell you that my 12 hemorrhoids are gone as is the rectal tear that caused during that. I do not constipate any longer as I follow all of the rules and I always involve the doctor when I suspect the slight problem in that area.
Well, Joe, I hope you print this out and give it to Ari and if you guys are coming to Houston, TX any time soon, I would like to know about it so I can witness your comic routines.
Laters,
and Happy Shitting!
http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=bellycut.wmv
That video is pretty fucked up if I do say so myself.
That cup video was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. Why don’t they just live in the sewer they would have a blast. I don’t think I can ever look at Dreyers the same way again. Regarding the ball hitting video, I don’t know how anyone can enjoy watching self mutilation or broken body parts etc it’s unbearable for me at least. humanity has come a long way hasn’t it. And they say evolution is suppose to progress mankind?
I thought I had seen it all but apparently I am way behind. That is the sickest shit I have ever seen. I couldn’t even watch the whole 2girl1cup video. Evil!