I was doing my regular scan of the internet the other day and I came upon the story of the woman getting attacked by her friend’s chimpanzee.
I always stop to read animal attack stories, but there’s nothing quite like a chimp attack.
Chimps don’t just attack you, they try to hurt you in very specific ways. They’re not just trying to kill you, they’re trying to fuck your body up and take away what’s precious like your hands and your genitals. That’s a REALLY scary thought. A big, insanely strong, intelligent animal and it’s biting your dick off.
Whoa.
Chimps are really fascinating because of how intelligent they are, but they’re also equally fascinating because of how ruthless they are.
I was watching this one documentary where these chimps organized a hunting party to kill monkeys. They planned it out and herded these poor little shrieking, horrified monkeys into other waiting chimps. When the chimps got a hold of these terrified little trembling creatures they just bit into them and ripped them apart.
It was very disturbing to see. Here you have this clear ancestor of ours, we can read emotion on his face, he’s shrieking in terror, and then you have this other, even closer relative to humans and he and his buddies are essentially eating it alive.
There’s a weird trait that sometimes animals that don’t always have to kill to survive have; it’s that when they catch an animal they don’t always kill it first – sometimes they just start eating.
Bears do that too. I saw a video where a bear captured a moose and he just started eating it, guts first. The thing was still alive, freaking the fuck out, and the bear is just tearing it up. Animals that have to kill to survive like big cats at least kill you first and then eat you.
Sometimes it’s really disturbing to see the indifference in nature, because as fucked up as our human society is, it’s still light years better than the society of any other animal on the planet. What’s even more disturbing is when wild nature’s indifference spills over into our civilized world, like when some crazy lady is keeping a full-grown chimpanzee for a “pet” in a residential neighborhood.
First off, I was amazed when I found out that this was legal. They call it having an “exotic pet,” which I thought was hilarious. A parrot is an exotic pet; this is super violent subhuman primate in a fucking diaper. There’s a big difference.
This chimp slept in the same bed as this lady, drank wine, ate xanax… this wasn’t just a pet, she was fucking partying with it! It’s just amazing that no one has a problem with that. Did anyone even do a little google search on chimps first?
They live in a rain forest, and every day is a gigantic struggle for survival.
Everywhere they look there’s big cats that want to eat them, poisonous snakes, poisonous bugs – they HAVE to be ruthless in order to survive long enough to breed.
They don’t learn how to be that way from books, it’s a natural inherited trait, and to think that you can suppress all of these vicious instincts with a diaper and a couple xanax is just beyond insane.
I have been completely obsessed with chimps most of my adult life.
I have photos of them all over the walls in my house.
When I go to the zoo, that’s always the first place I want to go; I want to see the past.
We came from that. That’s an incredible thought for a couple reasons; for one – it’s incredible because of how much more advanced than them we are.
I mean, if we both came from the same primate source, how the hell did we get so far ahead of the chimps?
I’ve heard a lot of theories, but my favorite theory about human evolution came from one of my personal heroes, Terence McKenna. His theory was aptly described as the “stoned ape” theory, and what it basically contends is that human being evolved out of less advanced primates when they started experimenting with new food and eating psychedelic mushrooms.
It sounds crazy, but anything involving mushrooms automatically seems crazy.
That’s just sort of the nature of the mushroom.
We really don’t know why humans got so smart, so quickly, but mushrooms are as good a theory as any.
I know what mushrooms do for the human brain, and I can imagine that they would have similar reality obliterating results for monkeys as well. Add psychedelic mushrooms as a regular and preferred part of their diet for 2,000,000 years or so and I could easily see how it could shake things up.
Who the hell knows if McKenna was actually right, and many very intelligent people that study these things for a living think his theory sounds retarded, but that might be because they didn’t figure it out for themselves, or because they’ve never done mushrooms.
Show me a man that doesn’t think that eating psychedelic mushrooms are a big deal, and I’ll show you a guy that’s never eaten mushrooms. Or at least has never eaten enough.
Who knows how we got here, but the bottom line is we did, and chimps didn’t.
What if a group of humans someday advance along a separate branch from the rest of us and become some new advanced, mind reading, levitating primate?
I mean, we have to look at it this way; evolution is not finished. We’re not done evolving. We’re in no way perfect, and we’re adapting and changing all the time.
What if that’s what religious fundamentalism is really all about?
What if these ideas are a natural reaction from nature to retard evolution that’s occurring at such a rapid pace that it’s utterly terrifying to process?
There’s a strong movement in this country to deny that evolution is even real. There are literally millions of people behind it, and they believe that a supreme being created them just the way they are and that this is how they’re going to stay. Maybe this illogical thinking is just nature’s way of hedging it’s bets for the future. Maybe nature realizes that the next step that humans make in evolution might be a real fucking doozy, and it might not really work out that well, and just in case it wants to keep some copies of the original model.
When you see some fucking nut job like Sarah Palin in a youtube clip getting blessed against witchcraft, and you hear that she believes the world is only 6,000 years old, maybe that’s what she’s actually here for. Maybe people like her are here to make sure the original human model remains available as a separate species. Maybe instead of just evolving the entire genus nature decides that it might be a good idea to try it on small groups first.
Imagine how strange the future could be if that’s what’s really going on.
Maybe someday in the future our ancestors will be out time traveling and reading each other’s minds, and waiting for them patiently at home would be their pet fundamentalist Christian. I wonder if future people would judge you if you slept with it?
Hey Joe (sorry!), interesting piece on chimps, particularly on how you imagine the human race evolving into two subspecies – take a look at http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6057734.stm where someone else is postulating the same thing (as did HG Wells, of course).
dave
p.s. keep swinging those kettlebells, man! – kettlebelling.wordpress.com
The most amazing thing to me is that chimps and humans have, depending on the measurement, somewhere between 96% and 99% of the same DNA. So that means what makes humans civilized and chimps savage is explained by just a 1% to 4% difference in our DNA. From what I’ve read, the biggest genetic difference between us and chimps is our ability to use language. Is it just that having language has allowed us to convince ourselves and each other to be civilized, while chimps don’t have that trait?
Joe,
I think your lamentations regarding evolution are a bit unfair. Science (which includes evolution) is valuable because it is expansive and constantly changing. For example, chiropractic medicine is a joke, why? Well, since its creation it has not changed, not an iota of the field has been modified. Evolution is problematic for genuine scientific minds, as it has remained stagnant, with little clarification of major holes in the overall theory. Now, on face value, evolution makes sense, but so does Soccer—yet—upon engagement of the sport, many find it lacking.
Real scientists do not concern themselves with politics; however, when it comes to evolution we have a war between the avengelicals and evangelicals. The minority is the latter, that is, even if we take the whole seven-percent of Americans that consider themselves evangelicals. So, a little over twenty-one million folks reject evolution on faith. What is rather laughable is that the majorities that agree with evolution are also accepting it on belief. A divine creator does not have to be imagined to produce cognitive shortcuts. Seriously, have you come across a proponent of evolution that posits any intellectual reasoning other than repetitiously asking whether one believes it or not?
Science is a great journey, if one is willing to take it. It is not an ideology, and should never be treated as such. I am alarmed when I see invective targeting those that embrace the word of god, while those that embrace a thin argument that they know very little of—are left alone. Religion and Science oppose each other, but there isn’t a negation. It is unfortunate that bullying is afoot, and those what want a real fundamental understanding of the origins of life are looked at as if they just performed a rain dance.
Best,
Abbot
abbotmail@gmail.com
Consider the Bonobo:
More closely related to humans than chimpanzees, or at least equally so, depending on which research article you’re reading.
Herbivores – Bonobos eat plants, fruits, insects, and the occasional small squirrel. They’re not pack hunting killer apes.
Their social structure is matriarchal – the females run shit, and the males stick around to take care of the young.
Instead of fighting, they settle disputes by engaging in various forms of sexual behavior – blow jobs, “penis fencing”, rubbing each other, males do it to males, females to females, even the young get involved.
Bonobos are capable of passing the mirror-recognition test for self-awareness. They’re probably the most intelligent non-human primate.
So here is a primate, just as closely related to human beings as the chimp, that exhibits a vastly different style of existing in the world.
In nature, you find the entire gamut of behavior and a wide array of approaches to dealing with the myriad challenges of existence. Nature’s creativity is infinite, and if you’re really looking, you’ll see the flip side of that savage indifference: love, cooperation, coupling, and symbiosis. It’s all here, no side excluded.
Peace.
‘hurt you in very specific ways’ is right. check this from foxnews.com “suffered extensive facial and hand injuries when she was attacked Monday…After police arrived, one officer radioed back: “There’s a man down. He doesn’t look good,” he says, referring to the disfigured Nash. “We’ve got to get this guy out of here. He’s got no face.”.
she was probably watching a lot of the hannibal lector stuff & the chimp got too many ideas…owch, my bad.
definitely going to check out Terence McKenna RE: ‘the stoned ape’. you might be interested in the Yerkes National Primate Research Center next time you swing through Atlanta.
I swear man… Sometimes you just gotta thin the herd. I wish both the owner and the random dumbass that got his ass beat were killed by this animal. I mean seriously, who is THAT fucking stupid to think they can keep a chimp as a pet?
Someone once said something like “Stupid ought to hurt” and MAN do I agree with em.
Abbot,
Evolution has been stagnant?! I don’t think you could say anything that would more clearly demonstrate your lack of understanding of evolution and its place in science. Please read some Dawkins – not for his Atheist politics but his very excellent elucidations of evolution and to see how far we have come since Darwin’s notions on natural selection. Also, your “stats” are way off – and as to the claim of the majority that belives in evolution, recent polling shows that only 3-4 out every 10 Americans “believe” in evolution and they see it as the best scientific explanation not as a matter of faith but as a matter of education.
Hey Joe, interesting blog. I felt I should throw out a theory that my professor presented to us as a possible explaination for our branching away from primates. If you look at the skull of a gorilla you will notice the top of his head comes to an apex, right down the middle. It is from this apex that two very powerful jaw muscles run all the way from the top of its head down to the bottom. The jaw muscles are very useful when it comes to predation, but are also very restricting in terms of brain development. It wasn’t until a genetic mutation where the jaw muscles became weaker and allowed for the brain to grow did we start to see our own species take shape. Now we have jaw muscles much much lower than apes.
I’ve read your blog for a couple years now man and I finally broke down and wanted to comment after these last two. First off, I hope that shit for brains monkey-drugging lady doesn’t hurt anyone else with her broken brain. Second, you blow my FUCKING mind man and you are such a positive influence on my life. FUCK MY TELEMARKETING JOB IN IT’S ASS I’M GONNA BE AN ACTOR! I wanna thank you for making me laugh and all your interesting-as-fuck insights, I used to get so mad at everyone that would take offense to anything you say or that would say you’re totally wrong about a certain subject because they are so not willing to explore other opinions due to the fact that they are always right and know everything. I accept people for who they are better now, even if that person is a dip shit and thinks they know it all. I don’t need to prove anyone wrong, no matter how terribly misinformed or close minded they are because that’s just part of what makes them a unique human being. I make an effort to spread positive feelings even to those who don’t necessarily deserve it because of the positive chain reaction it could start. In the most hetro-sexual way possible, I love you man. Reading the previous sentence out loud still sounds so gay haha sorry.
-John Thompson
p.s. i know you’re a busy man but you better stay consistent with this blog like you’ve said you were going to a million times you tiger taint
Maybe the universe kept chimps around as the backup for us for if/when we fail. I think we’re getting close to our end. I wonder how many times this cycle has happened before. How many times have we failed in the past and ended up destroying ourselves?….. I do know that I love the thought of religion being a way to slow evolution. The thought gives me some relief when I think of human evolution in the present and why there are so many closed minded people out there. Maybe it’s not there fault. Maybe they were predetermined to be the way they are for that reason. I like thinking of the possibilities.
Todd
Joe,
I’ve got to start by saying I’m a Christian. (waits for laughter to subside).
But I’m not a fundamentalist Christian. I’m evolved. I believe in Darwin’s theory. I do not believe the Earth is flat or, that its only 6000 years old, or that the Moon landings were faked in a studio.
Your description of the situation and the reasons why lesser evolved humanoids(such as Sarah Palin) exist and survive to this day.
Thanks Joe, for more great insight…
thelizardman,
Reading the works of Adolph Hitler will not help one come to an understanding about his position regarding Jews. This is because his stance was pretty much clarified via his actions. Richard Dawkins is a second-rate scientist who studied Zoology and holds the moniker of an evolutionary biologist (not through real accreditation, but as an autodidact). I don’t care about religion, as my concern is the preservation of science.
The U.S. Census Bureau reports that 7% of the country labels themselves as evangelicals (I am being generous and saying that all of them subscribe to the notion of creationism). If you have access to more reliable data, please, feel free to send it my way. Don’t pretend to be well versed in evolution when you fail to cite any new reference point for evolution—other than throwing out the name of morally corrupt, pseudo scientist. Christ, the man writes invective against god, clearly he is not balanced.
I am not going to begin to lecture you with a post on Joe Rogan’s Blog, but I can offer you something substantive about the flaws in the theory of evolution (remember, there is evolution and the theory of evolution). Biochemistry is pioneering field of science, I mean, it isn’t as fancy as zoology, since it just attempts to explain evolution on a molecular level. How barbaric, right? The very concept of the cell is an obstacle for the theory of evolution, and even more so, some of our complex instruments (ex. the eye) Darwin hypothesized about macro changes that happen in response to the natural environment, for instance, fins versus legs. The intricate instruments are left to ambiguous reasoning.
I should point out that Richard Dawkins and Creationists share something in common, they both fail to prove their point. Mr. D looks like a big shot when trying to disprove a bible-thumping fanatic, yet he looks like a fool when trying to mount an argument against the foundations of biochemistry.
Best,
Abbot
abbotmail@gmail.com
Abbot,
I can already feel I am wasting valuable time but since you decided to trot out the tired eye challenge to evolution, here is a link – please at least get an updated poor challenge if you going to try and assault a foundational theory:
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/evolution/library/01/1/l_011_01.html
I’d also suggest that you look at Dawkins discussion of the eye but his Oxford credentials aren’t good enough for you – where did you get yours again, btw?
Modern evolution does address the intricate instruments and in great detail – please join the debate here in the 21st century.
MBisping I have to tell you, over the years, science has accumulated even more evidence that supports the theory of evolution. Theory in the scientific term does not mean the same thing as in everyday conversation. Even evidence originally provided by Charles Darwin himself is hard to argue. Let me give you the most fundamental support for his argument.
It is common knowledge that dog breeds came from the domestication of the grey wolf. Domestication means to grab a population of a certain species of wild animals/plants and have only the ones that were BORN with traits that were desireable to breed and pass on their traits. So the breeders let only the wolves with the desired characteristics that they wanted (big frame, little frame, tall ears, long hair, well tempered etc…) mate and pass on their genes while the ones who didn’t have the desired characteristics were weeded out (not allowed to breed).
Human beings over the course of 120 years up to Darwin’s time were able to make almost 90% of the dog varieties just by doing that what is stopping nature, which has billions of years to work with, from creating all the varieties of life with natural selection, nohing. I’ll give you more, did you know that cabbage, cauliflower, kale, mustard, broccoli were had a common ancestor, the green mustard plant. Through all the years of civilization human allowed different mustard plants with desired traits to reproduce and eventually got all the varieties of the vegetables. That is a fact. Those varieties current day cannot survive without human care because as they were being bred, surviving in the wild wasn’t a deciding factor whether or not they could pass on their genes.
Fossils already is physical proof life has changed and evolved over time. You can’t really reasonably argue against fossils and their existence unless you try to say that all those life-forms have no relation to current day life-forms despite the huge similarities.
Recent 2006 research has shown that in all animals, in their embryonic formation, when a certain gene turns on to start the formation of certain organs, limbs, etc called the HOX gene (for each organ, limb, etc), each repsective HOX gene for heart, limbs, is the same EXACT sequence used for ALL animals. The HOX gene that patterns the heart for a fly, is the same for a mice, or a crayfish, and for a HUMAN.
There’s no good reason for all these different species of life, with all these different types of hearts, embryonic cycle/development to use the SAME HOX gene (millions of sequences) if they came about independently of each other. It makes more sense that the common ancestor used that HOX gene and it passed down to the species of animals and they evolved to use it in the way it needed or else the ones that couldn’t would just die off.
Vash1202,
I am not sure if you are joking or you don’t know how to read. To begin with, dog breeding uses mutations to form variations. These mutations have caused massive health problems for dogs. If you would like to look up the word evolve in the dictionary—I will give you a second…okay, so yeah, through evolution we are supposed to a see a response to NATURE and an overall IMPROVEMENT, a better model of sorts. After a billion years of breeding dogs, they will still be dogs. Why? No new information is being added to the genetic code.
Again, variety is NOT evolution. And to be clear, I am not claiming that the human race has not evolved, as there is observable evidence of sorts. My problem is with the general theory of evolution, because it remains flawed and stagnant.
Now, please, if you are going to respond to my comments, actually read them, instead of responding to what you think I am asserting.
Peace,
Abbot
Micro evolution, absolutely. Macro evolution, crap, I got another headache.
Joe,
Long time reader, first time commenter – couldn’t resist, as this post addresses so many points of interest. I teach high school biology, and we just wrapped up a research project on the chimpanzee classification debate – the genetic differences between chimps & humans are much smaller than those between other species that are classified in a way that indicates a closer evolutionary relationship. We’re on vacation this week, so it’ll be interesting to see if any of my students bring this up when we get back. One of the big reasons we discuss for the difference in classification is that of anthopocentrism … we humans think we’re pretty damned special … I wonder how this highly publicized case of chimp violence will affect their opinions. The propensity for violence isn’t necessarily a huge difference from us, but the specificity of the attack is … brutal.
The evolution aspect of this is interesting, too – how is it that organisms with such recent common ancestry, and such genetic similarity can still be so different. I think part of the thing that screws us up in thinking about evolution is that our primate brains just aren’t pre-equipped to think about spans of time in the millions and billions of years – we just sort of glaze over and get into the “that’s a looooong time” mode. Not sure I have an answer, but I do enjoy McKenna’s hypothesis, too, and agree that those who don’t give it some measure of validity as an evolutionary agent just haven’t had the experience (his “heroic dose” concept both scares the shit out of me and fascinates me at the same time). I also enjoy the mutation that @James mentions (MHY16, to be specific) … it’s one of the reasons why the chimp in question was able to, quite literally, bite that lady’s jaw & facial tissue right off, and why none of us could. Interesting hypothesis that the anchoring of jaw muscle could inhibit brain tissue growth – I suppose it’s even a testable hypothesis, what would we get if we genetically engineered a chimp with a weak jaw like humans … would it have a bigger brain?
I think the answer to the question of our evolutionary origins is still “out there” … beyond our current definition of evolution, which is – technically – something that only happens to groups of organisms across generations, because we define it as a change in the frequency of the versions of genes over time. Thing is, though, that our genes are so complex that a single gene can actually produce multiple (and quite different) traits, depending on the environmental input … so perhaps the idea of in-life evolution isn’t so far out after all (since the underlying notion of the current definition of evolution is based on the now-faulty one gene : one protein assumption). Anyway, I’m geeking out a bit.
I think the important part is for all of us to choose our breeding partners very carefully … the evolution of our species most certainly depends on it in terms of the traditional definition, and it’s possible that the quality of life we experience with that partner & child could very well direct the expression of the genes we have in this life (via serotonin levels), thereby directing our own personal evolution just as much as psychedelic mushrooms might (psylocibin and serotonin are virtually the same molecule). Your “altered states” post the other day hit the nail right on the head – living in that state of positive energy is critical. Glad you had that experience, and even more so that you shared it.
Thanks for bringing this kind of thought into the world of stand-up … great to see that the comic prophet spirit is alive and well in you. Best of luck w/ your special on Spike.
Peace.
How bout this deep scientific theory: People are full of shit, we are all people, so we are all full of shit. We really don’t know squat about the origin of species. We’re all illogical, curious, scared, finite thinking, imperfect animals. The difference? We have a soul, chimps don’t. Human beings want a purpose for life, that’s why we search for proof and form theories becuase we want to know why. Even if Darwin was right, we still can’t answer why. Faith is our only answer to why. Whether it is a spirtual pursuit on hallucinogenic drugs, or a blessing from a minister, it’s not about logic. It’s religion. It’s what makes us human, develops our civility, writes our laws and forms the bedrock of our society. Christ’s message has been perverted by churches for thousands of years, so don’t blame christians for man’s doctrine (ie fundamentalists). I won’t knock one who searches for answers in an isolation tank, although I’ll admit it seems just as illogical and nutty to me as chrisitan ceremonial activities or following scriptures. It’s about what makes us feel good right? But alas, I’m just as confused as the rest of us searching for what I believe to be our purpose in this life. Just so happens God is the most solid theory I’ve come up with. For those who don’t believe, I hope for your sake your correct. As for me, if I’m wrong I’ve still lived a respectable life and will quitely decay into the soil. Btw Joe, I’m a big fan of UFC and your commentary. Keep up the good work.