I’ve got just about a week and 4 days before I shoot my comedy special, so from here on out I’m going to be spending most of my writing time making notes on my act and organizing my set.
I’ll still keep up the daily blog, but I’m not gonna have the time to write up anything fancy.
Liam Neeson was on the plane back from London with us today. I awkwardly tried to say hi to him, but it didn’t really work.
He was sitting right in front of me, and as he was taking off his jacket, I said in a voice loud enough for him to certainly hear me, “I just saw “Taken”" – of course referring to his recent movie.
Now, you know when you can tell that someone heard you, but they wish you wouldn’t bother them, so they’re going to pretend they didn’t? Well, I’m pretty sure that’s what happened.
In a way I’m kinda glad he didn’t respond, because if he did I would have told him politely that I really enjoyed his movie, which of course would be a big fat lie. I really like Liam Neeson as an actor, but that movie kinda sucked.
It was a well directed, predictable action movie, and the ending seemed like it was written by a high school girl.
I would have lied, though.
I would have Looked him right in the eye and told him I fucking loved it. I wonder how many people have done that exact same thing to me about “fear factor.”
Maybe it would have been better if I said, “Hey man, I thought that movie sucked a fat one, but I thought you were the SHIT in “Next of Kin”.”
Now, that would probably sound like I was trying to be a dick, but I really do have this weird soft spot for Patrick Swayze action movies. I guess it’s maybe due to the fact that I’m a stand up comic, but I’ve always found unintentional comedy to be the best comedy, and in that genre there’s very few films that can fuck with some of Swayze’s shit. Road House of course being the king of the genre.
Now, it’s very possible that I’m being a little bitch, and that Mr. Neeson simply didn’t hear me. It’s very possible he was just spacing out thinking about the Oscar’s or some shit.
He continued to hang up his fabulous crushed velvet jacket and take his seat.
It was a really bad ass jacket, and I wanted to ask him where he got it, but that would just really make me look even more like a stalker weirdo.
Anytime you ask a man about his clothes you run the risk of appearing gay, but if you ask him about his clothes after he ignored you trying to talk to him just 20 seconds ago… well that’s just fucking pathetic.
Even if he told me, he probably bought it in France or some shit, and it would just wind up being meaningless small talk where I write down the name of the store and pretend that I’m probably going to visit Paris one day, and I’ll remember to go to the store, or something equally insincere. Then if I really wanted to hate myself, I might tell him, “I’m in show business myself!”
Actually, I would never do that. I might have done that 10 years ago, though.
You ever think back to some shit you did years ago, and you still feel pathetic from it? There are a few memories of dumb shit I’ve done in my life that just continue to haunt me, no matter how many years go by.
I know objectively that as a human being there are certain mistakes that you have to make in life to grow from them, but there’s just part of me that doesn’t want to admit that I was ever that fucking retarded.
I think that’s why some people fuck up a bunch when they’re young, and they never really get on track in life. It’s like the memory of their fuck ups are just too powerful for them to respect that who they are now is a different, more evolved person. They just think of the shame of what they’ve done in the past and get stuck with that self-definition. I think that’s one of the reasons why a discipline, especially for a man, is very important for self definition.
Whatever it is; be it martial arts, or playing the guitar, or whatever – having something that’s very difficult that you focus all your energy on can redefine your view of yourself and make you forgive yourself for the time you farted in that girl’s car.
That was one of my personal, “what a loser” memories. I farted in a girl’s car and ruined an otherwise very fun date once when I was 21. It was just such a complete rookie move on my part.
The young lady in question was this really hot girl that I had liked for a while, and it took me a while to have the balls to ask her out. We went out, and for whatever reason she was driving.
We had a good time on the date, and she seemed really nice, although it did weird me out for a second how freely she referred to herself as having a “nigger ass.” Either way, a little uncomfortable racism in no way deserves the punishment I put her olfactory senses through when I shit myself in her car.
I thought it would be a little sneaky one that I could keep to myself, which shows you what a retard I was back then. Somehow I thought that even though I was sitting in a car right next to someone, maybe I could get away with just letting a little out and perhaps she wouldn’t notice it. Well, regardless of whatever retarded logic I had for doing it at the time, the bottom line is that I cut a horrible fart in this poor girls car.
It was disgusting, it was pathetic, it was embarrassing beyond belief, but it was never discussed. Neither one of us said a word for the rest of the ride to my apartment.
When we got there I didn’t even think for a moment about asking her inside or trying to kiss her, I just stumbled out of her car in shame, and said something lame like, “I had fun, goodnight!”
The memory of that night was like a little woodpecker picking away at my confidence every time I thought about it for months after that night. It’s really funny because I really didn’t talk to her much again after that, but then 10 years later she came to one of my comedy shows and said hi to me afterward. We exchanged pleasantries, and all that, “How have you been?” small talk, but I missed my opportunity to come clean and apologize for releasing fumes in her car.
I thought about it, but I just didn’t have the balls back then.
Love that this is as funny as it is honest.
Really looking foward to your seeing you next week for the filming of your Spike Special. I have tickets to see you twice next weekend. It is going to be awesome. Great to hear it will be new material as well.
Joe, I have really enjoyed reading your blog….Its one of the brighter spots of my usual monotonous mornings here at the office. You say shit that alot of people want to say, but dont. Keep writing man!
I wrote this in the hair weave thing and I dont know why, but sorry if I seem like wierdo, was just hoping to get your intuitive response, thanks, peace.
Man this is so cool. I was just watching fight night, enjoying the fights when me and my girl were wondering about your career. So we googled you of coarse, read other peoples bio on you, but I never thought I would actually get to write something direct. Im not a fighter but in another lifetime I imagine myself as capable of dedicating that kind of heart to such a respectable sport. It is just like how my grandfather would have said it should be done, fight and shake hands after, well maybe not always but… I have been a MMA fan since it blew up not really knowing about it early on or ever taking any martial arts courses, but I love the manipulation of the human body for control. I just want to say, by far you are the best host, same for Fear Factor. It seems you always have a good explenation of whats going on and I almost feel like your more like a coach for the people, I mean I may gas out if I were to randomly get in a fight, but maybe I could pull of a chaimora or a triangle or something.
Anyways, ive seen some of your bits before and me personally, I know what it is like to find yoursel in a rythem of destiny that leads you to the dreams you always had(im far from close to mine). But I just found some tickets online for the columbus show and hopefully tomorrow when I go to Ticket Master, they will still have the front row seats, fuck yeah. The theatre looks sweet. Me and my girl are coming out there from nw burbs of chicago, and are fucking stoked, not a bad price either. So looking forward to seeing the show.
So I read some of your recent blogs and found we think very similar. I loved your letter to Kellog’s. Shit man you know there are a millions of us strong pro green. But in my opinion I think it goes back to the days of the very beggining of this country when we used Hemp paper. Did you know that for every 10 acre’s trees you can make just as much paper as 1 acre of Hemp plants. I bet you did know that, But back in the day it was books and literature that was hot, movies far beyond human minds, so what happened well the fat cat business men the 18th century did what any corporate asshole would do now. Well they exploited there competitor, and found exactly what they needed in the plant, a flaw to society. So the trees keep falling, fat cats get richer, and history is changed. Im sure if that law was never passed this whole world would be a more peacefull place. One day my friend, it will happen, but not without a price.
So I also wanted to respond to the answers you had about how you got so much “luck” in finding your calling. Well honestly all I wanted to say is that from the book “The Alchemist” , “If you fallow your dreams the Universe will conspire to help you” anyone who realizes that has the true key to life, Coincedence is no longer coincedence and luck is irrelevant. Have you ever read The Celestien Prophecy” ? Another good one, its a bit fictional, but has valuble information for the soul. Anyways, I know its never easy to make it in the kind of work you do, but fuckin eh your there bro, and you will be an Icon for years to come.
Ok, the other one. Man I fucking laughed my ass off when you mentioned have a Christian pet. I would never want a fucking christian pet though, advanced human or not they would still probably try and convert you. People just need faith as a way be less serious about existence in general, it is almost like a medication, these fucks get hooked, and the thrill is getting others hooked, its like crack man. Ha ha, yeah right, but I feel you on that one man. Im sure you have run into people who want to talk about god. Its so ackward, cause its some old lady and you want to be polite, but then you just want to tell them the truth. I mean shit, just pretend to believe to get it the fuck over. Ha ha ha, being saved aside for the inferior race alongside the advanced. I would definately like to say the Mushroom Theory is more plausable than Almighty God. But there is another Theory I was wondering if you heard about. These scientist thing that maybe when the Sun is having storms that eject out into space, that perhaps, those particles penitrate all of earth including our human flesh and DNA. And that perhaps it might be the cause of the changing of composition in the DNA, and that slowly over time when this happens, the strong traits are still being passed on. This would make sense to me, if when looking at all the galaxies as far as we can see and just knowing that there is other life yet our time points will never croos paths. Maybe every sun does this on purpose to advance planetary systems into creating life. I thought it was a good theory, saw it on a special, I will get the info and send if you would like.
Shit man I wrote alot, hope it wasnt too much. It really feels good to make contact with someone you look up to. Im glad you started this site, and I will for sure be a return visitor. See you march 5th, cant wait, Your new friend, Texas
I always loved Fear Factor when you hosted it on NBC. I always preferred the first stunt which was if I remember correctly was a physical challenge. Your comedic background was a good fit for the second stunt and usually helped add some levity to an otherwise morbid and/or gross situation. It’s crazy what someone will do for $50,000!
I think your best role to date was on Newsradio. That was one of my favorite TV comedies of all time. I don’t watch much TV so it’s possible that it’s crap compared to whatever else is on these days, but I’ll never now. Luckily it stills airs on reruns late at night on a few select channels. I think I’ll order the 5 seasons on DVD when I see them on sale. I have a couple of younger friends who I’d like to introduce to the show. They really like the Office (one of the only TV shows I watch now) and the UK version of the Office (the original) and I think they’d like Newsradio.
It’s tragic that Phil Hartman’s life was cut short. I guess I feel guilty saying it but, the show really sort of lost it’s steam when Phil died and John Lovitz came on. You can’t replace Phil Hartman. He was a freaking genius. Oh well…
I’m trying to remember if there is anything that I’ve seen you in that I thought you sucked at? Your’re a natural at the UFC stuff (in my opinion of course, I’ve read other opinions that say you suck) and I can’t really imagine a better person doing the fight commentary.
Maybe your comedy shows suck? I’ve never been to one, so I wouldn’t know.
I think you’d probably suck at romantic comedy movies, but you might do well in zombie movies? The world will never know…