I love comedy.

Still do, after all these years. I love a good joke, and I love a different point of view that makes me laugh.

That’s why I got into stand up in the first place, because I’m a fan of the art form.

To this day, after 17 years in the business, I still get excited when a really good stand up goes on stage. It inspires me.

Whenever I see Chris Rock, or Dave Chappelle, or Dave Attell, or Doug Stanhope, or Jim Norton, or Nick DiPaolo, or any other great stand up comedian go on stage, I get happy.

I just love it. Even more now than ever before, because I really understand what goes into the craft of making good material.

The place you need to take your mind to think of something no one else has thought of before, or at least a thought that no one else has been able to put into a form that makes people laugh.

It’s an amazing skill, and it’s an incredibly under-appreciated art form.

I love when someone is really good at it, and I really, really fucking hate when someone is faking it.

That’s why I’ve been so outspoken against joke thieves. There is nothing more frustrating to me than seeing someone pretending that they came up with some genius shit that someone else worked really hard to form.

I’ve heard the ignorant arguments from non-stand ups like “Every comic steals.” Which is TOTAL bullshit.

Great comics don’t steal. They may be influenced by others, especially early in their careers, but the truly great ones pride themselves in being able to craft original thoughts for their audience.

There is nothing more satisfying than taking an idea that you have, fleshing it out, finding the funny parts, perfecting the flow of the words, and then presenting it to an audience and watching them howl with laughter.

It’s a fucking beautiful feeling.

A lot of comics, me included, got into comedy because we were fans of great comics, and we used to recite other comics lines to our friends.

With me, it was always Richard Pryor and Sam Kinison. They were the ones that really made me laugh, and I would recite their lines, verbatim to my friends. I loved the feeling of telling a really well crafted joke to someone that hadn’t heard it before, and watching them crack up.

It was what made me think that I could and wanted to get onstage in the first place. The joy of getting to the punch line, and seeing the look of recognition from the person you were telling it to when they related to the material, and then the rush of hearing them laugh out loud at the punch lines. It’s a beautiful feeling.

When you’re starting out and your doing typical, clumsy material, you dream of the days when you’re going to come up with some brilliant shit that’s going to impress your peers.

Some people, never get there, though. The urge to kill is just too strong, and their character is just too weak. They see someone else talking about a subject, and they’ll rewrite it and try to pretend it’s theirs, or they’ll just do it word for word, and hope no ones notices.

They never go through the hard parts, and they never learn how to do it right. They just become thieves. Their time onstage, whether they’re killing or not, is just hollow fakery.

The really scary thing, is that even though a lot of people are aware of what these guys are doing, some clubs still employ them because they can “get the job done” or put “asses in the seats” and these fucking frauds actually manage to carve out a career on other people’s ideas.

One of the real problems, is that very few comedians stand up for what’s right. They might talk about it privately, but very few step up and take a stand. I have before, especially on the subject of Dennis Leary stealing from one of my favorite comedians, the late, great Bill Hicks.

It’s commonly known amongst stand ups that Dennis stole a big chunk of Bills act, but amongst the general population it’s actually a surprise to a lot of people.

Why? Pretty much because no one that anyone would listen to on the subject stood up and said something about it publicly.

No one defended the integrity of this great art form. They just let a pretender and a hack steal ideas from a great mind. He pretty much got away with it too. He went on to have success in films, and unfortunately, Bill Hicks died of cancer before most people knew who he was or what he had to say.

It really killed me, because I started out a Dennis Leary fan. I remember watching him in Boston, laughing hysterically at his act, thinking it was all his. I was really impressed. For a few months, he was actually my favorite comedian. His jokes on Jim Fix dying while jogging, and how ironic that was, and about how John Lennon was dead, but Barry Manilow continued to pump out albums made me howl.

Then, I saw Hicks, and I really got confused. He was doing the same material, almost word for word that Leary was doing.

I didn’t get it. Something was wrong. I was only doing stand up for a few months at the time, so I asked some of the local pros, and they all had the same answer: “Leary is a thief.”

I couldn’t fucking believe it. How could this be? How could a guy stealing ideas be allowed to perform in these clubs?

The club owners just didn’t seem to care. They turned a blind eye, and profited off their hired performer pilfering material from others.

It was a horrible feeling, and it set a terrible precedent.

If he could get away with it, what would stop people from stealing my shit someday?

It turns out nothing and no one would stop them unless I stood up and said something myself.

The latest, and most disgusting joke thief off all is a guy named “Carlos Mencia.” The REALLY crazy thing, is that’s not even his real name.

He sells himself as being mexican, but the reality is his real name is Ned Holness, and he’s actually half German and half Honduran.

The mexican hook is something he did to ingratiate himself with the local Mexican population of LA where he started.

Now, normally I wouldn’t dedicate so much time to talk about a piece of shit like “ned” on my website, but this stupid motherfucker talked shit about me on the radio, so it’s open season for hacks.

Here’s what happened, and how I reported it on my messageboard, where it all started:

I got a funny email today from one of the guys on the Frank show in Tucson saying that Carlos (aka Ned Holness -or however the fuck you spell it- his real name, aka the phony mexican or carlos menstealia- what other comics call him) was talking shit about me on the radio.

He sent me an audio file, and since I’m bored in a fucking hotel room in DC, I listened to it.

Enjoy the audio clip here: Carlos talking shit on the radio.

Now, the REALLY funny thing, is that “Carlos” was claiming that I was watching him onstage, pacing the back of the room, and then reluctantly admitting his greatness to other comics. Well, what’s funny about that, is that my trusty camera man actually filmed “Carlos” watching ME onstage from various parts of the room, and then filmed him sucking onstage after him, and me talking about how terrible he was.

He even edited it together with the audio from the radio station in AZ.

Check it out here: Carlos OWNED.

Here’s another great article written by someone about the phony cocksucker: Hope in America

If you really love comedy, stop supporting joke thieves.

Here’s some more audio, this time of George Lopez from the Stern show yesterday talking about what a thief “Carlos” is:

Lopez on Stern.

I went to see one of the most unintentionally funny movies I’ve ever seen, a movie called

”Grizzly Man” about a dude named Timothy Treadwell that lived with wild grizzly bears in Alaska for 13 summers before they decided to eat him. The movie was made from all of this guy’s personal footage that he shot when he was chilling in the woods with the bears.

This dude was just hanging out with these giant monsters while they hunted for fish, fought over bear pussy, and even like the old saying goes, shit in the woods.

He was completely obsessed with these bears. He would talk to them, and tell them how much he loved them, while they mostly ignored him and searched for food.

One of the weirdest scenes in the movie was where he was watching this bear take a shit, and he runs up to the shit right after the bear wanders off, and he is just fucking fascinated by the pile. He starts rubbing it.

He just keeping repeating, “this came out of her butt!” Like it was a pile of diamonds or something. Yeah it came out of her butt, dude. It’s bear shit. That’s where it comes from.

I often wonder when I see people like this, (not that I see people playing with bear shit everyday, but you know what I mean) I think… who the fuck is hanging around with this guy? What are his friends like? What kind of lives do they have that they’re willing to spend their precious free time hanging out with this dude?

Because you know what? You might think that someone is fucking retarded and annoying, but I’m betting that retarded and annoying person has at least a few people in his life that are retarded and annoying enough to want to hang out with him.

See, that’s the thing about people, they always find someone to hang out with. We NEED it, or we go crazy. I mean, people need people so much, that one of the worst punishments that they can give you in prison, is to leave you alone in solitary confinement.

Can you imagine that? You’re trapped in a fucking cage with murderers and thieves, and the worst punishment they can give you, is to take you away from the murderers and thieves and leave you by yourself.

Think about that shit for a little bit.

Well, this guy had some friends, and they were just perfect. Right out of a fucking Cohen brothers script. You couldn’t write something better than these people. They just fit in like magic. His ex-“girlfriend” was one of my favorites. I use the word “girlfriend” in quotes because one of the things about the “grizzly man,” was that he was as gay as a room full of dicks.

He has this one hysterical rant in the movie where he’s walking along, asking the camera why he doesn’t do so well with the ladies.

Oh, I don’t know… maybe the fact that you live in the fucking wilderness with giant scary monsters? Chicks usually aren’t into that. That, and maybe the whole gay thing.

Generally, I think those are two things chicks like to avoid.

I mean think about it, ladies, if one of your friends called you up and said, “Hey, I want to set you up with this guy, he’s gay, and he lives in the woods with scary monsters.”

You would have to start questioning whether or not that person is really your friend, wouldn’t you?

Anyway, this dude just goes on and on about how he wishes he was gay, because then it would be so much easier to hook up, and how gay dudes have it made.

The guy was obviously pretty unhappy, and the end of his life was really suicide by bear. He stayed in Alaska past the summer when most of the bears that he was familiar with were hibernating, and the only bears wandering around were the older, hungrier bears that he had repeatedly stated were the most dangerous. He even told his ex that he thought maybe it would be better if he died, because then his work would get the attention it deserved.

I guess in that sense, mission accomplished.

It’s a very entertaining movie, and I highly recommend it. Sacrifice the sacred plant to the fire gods and see that shit.

Speaking of dudes fucking with animals, and something getting the attention it deserved after a death, did you hear about that bestiality ring up in Seattle that got busted when a guy got fucked to death by a horse?

I

Shit

You

Not.

You can read about it here.

The guy gets fucking skewered on this gigantic 3-foot long horse cock, and then bleeds to death before they can get him to the hospital. Well, I guess the police do some investigating, probably trying to figure out why there was fur and hay attached to all the blood on this dude’s ass, and they eventually trace everything back to this farm where they find hundreds of videos of guy’s getting fucked by horses, including the dead guy.

Apparently he had gotten fucked by horses many times and never had a problem. It was just this one last pushy horse that did him in. See, I guess the key to safely getting fucked in the ass by a horse, is that you can’t let the horse stick it all the way in.

You can see in the video where this guy’s friend is guiding the horse’s cock into his ass, and tries to hold the middle of it with his fist to stop it from going in too deep, sort of like how chicks do when they’re giving head to keep from gagging.

Shockingly, this giant horse cock goes into this dude’s butt hole with no resistance whatsoever.

Obviously, this wasn’t his first rodeo. (Sorry, I couldn’t help myself there)

The horse allows the guy to hold his full thrust back for exactly 3 seconds, and then just takes over and lunges into this guys ass, balls deep.

It is EASILY the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in my fucking life.

You see this fucking enormous horse cock, and then you see the size of this dude’s body, then you see the enormous horse cock disappear in this dude’s ass, and then you do the math.

There’s just no fucking way everything is going to be OK.

The guy makes a groan that can only be described as a combination of the sounds that you would make if you were taking a massive shit, while at the same time getting kicked in the balls, and punched in the throat.

The best part about it is that his friend asks him several times “Too much?”

Ummm… what the fuck do you think?

Download it and enjoy, here:

Death by horse cock

Suicide by bear, and death by horse cock.

That is my message.

Redban has switched over to a pimped out new G5 Mac and put out the best JoeShow to date. It’s all about a fake band my friends put together when we were on the road in Denver.

Check it out here: JoeShow 7!!

I know I keep saying I’m gonna update this page more often, but once I can release the news of what I’ve been up to it’ll make sense as to why I’m so fucking busy. I can’t talk about it for a few more weeks, though.

For now what I can talk about, is I finished filming a new stand up special that we’re editing right now, and I’m really fucking happy with it.

I’ve also started work editing a new CD which will include a completely separate disk of recordings of me dealing with hecklers at the Comedy Store.

I’ve been recording there non stop for a few years now, so I’ve got a ton of them to edit.

I’ve got some new stand up dates, too. I’ll be in Boston at the Comedy Connection at the end of the month for sure. Some of the other dates had to be moved around because of the Ultimate Fighting Championship and some other shit, but I’ll try to keep everyone that gives a shit posted.

For now, keep checking the stand up dates section of this site.

Just a little over 7 years left, people… 12-21-2012