I very rarely go to parties.

Most of the time I think of going to parties as some sort of a chore that I have to do for the person that I like that’s throwing the party, or the person that wants me to come with them. It’s just so hard for me to find interesting people to talk to, and I’m terrible about forcing a fake conversation. I just can’t do it anymore.

The only time parties are really fun for me besides the rare time when I get to talk to someone interesting, is when something fucked up happens.

So when I got a call from one of the guys I do jiu jitsu with, asking me if I wanted to go to a “porno party,” of course I was excited.

For SURE there’s got to be something fucked up going on there, I thought.

Silly me.

So we get there and there’s this set up out in a parking lot where they’ve got a projection screen set up and a bunch of chairs. Nobody is sitting there in the chairs, so I don’t really pay too much attention. What I did pay attention to, is that this wild “porno party” was actually just 40 dudes standing around drinking, staring at 4 fairly homely looking chicks.

Ooh… I have a feeling this one might suck.

Whatever, I figure I’m here with some of my best friends, and even if nothing fucked up happens, and everyone else in the place is boring, it’s still a chance to kick it, sacrifice the sacred plant to the fire gods, have a couple of beers… it should all be good fun.

That’s the best thing about having funny friends, no matter where you go, even if it sucks, you can make fun of it together and have some laughs.

So we’re all standing around, bullshitting and laughing, when all of a sudden some guys starts yelling an announcement.

“Ok, everybody take a seat, the movie is about to begin…”

…The fuck? The movie?

“Take a seat everybody, it’s time for the reason why we’re all here.”

Huh?

Slowly we piece together that this isn’t just a porno party, but rather a screening party for a new porno film.

OK. This is going to be weird.

The party stops, and they want us to sit down and watch the people fuck.

Before this, of course the director must address the crowd.

He gets up, and he thanks everyone for coming, and then he talks about the movie like it was some really difficult accomplishment, and about how so many people told him it couldn’t be done.

Now I’m really confused. “Isn’t this a porno film that he’s talking about?”

Now I always thought that one of the best things about pornos, or people that make pornos is that they probably don’t take themselves very seriously. I figured they just laugh a lot, do a lot of coke, and can’t believe that they can make money filming people fucking. And not just money, but an unbelievable amount of money. How much? Well, thanks to the wonders of the google search, now I know, and it’s fucking INSANE.

This is what I’ve read:

Pornography in this country rakes in over 12 billion a year. I mean, that is an immense amount of money. To put that into perspective, porn revenue is larger than the revenues of all professional football, baseball and basketball franchises COMBINED. It’s also double what the combined revenues of ABC, CBS, and NBC are.

It’s a huge fucking business, (no pun intended.)

I’m sure like all endeavors, there’s probably a certain art to doing it just right, but I wasn’t really sure what was supposed to be extra special about this particular movie, other than the fact that it seemed to have some sort of a plot, and there seemed to be a lot more dialogue than normal. Having seen the end result, I can say that it’s not exactly the best idea when you make the porn actors ACT.

I don’t know what this guy was thinking. I mean, being in the porn business he should know that dialogue in porno films was probably the first thing that inspired the fast forward button on the remote.

Not really the cream of the thespian crop, those porn stars.

So what you’ve got in this movie is that before every fuck scene you get 10 minutes of wooden dialogue spit out by people that are willing to fuck on film. And I don’t want to insult the acting ability of all porn stars. I think it’s certainly reasonable to believe that there are some porn stars out there that could have been really successful straight actors, they just never got a break. As a matter of fact I’m sure there’s a few of those out there. The people in this movie, however, weren’t them.

So the plot is something like there’s a chick that is a private detective, and she’s trying to find some information about a crime, so she’s interrogating this guy. They start talking, and one thing leads to another, and next thing you know, he’s fucking her face. Something silly along those lines. I don’t really remember exactly what the premise was, but I don’t think it’s all that important. What is important however, is that this scene is being played for the whole audience of party goers in this parking lot, and this girl is on her knees violently shoving this guys cock into her mouth while making noises that sound remarkably like an otter. While this is all happening on the screen, someone says, “She’s here!”

A car pulls into the parking lot, and the princess steps out and says hi to all her friends.

People applaud.

With her in the car, is a young guy. He looks like he’s in his early 20’s, and he doesn’t really seem like the type to be hanging around with a chick like her. Then I see his face when he looks up at the screen and sees the girl that he arrived with, and she’s got her legs behind her head like a contortionist while this rather rude gentleman is alternating shoving his cock in her ass, and then her mouth, over and over again.

Ass, mouth, ass, mouth, ass, mouth.

The guy is grunting like a gorilla, and every time he shoves it in her mouth, she’s making the otter noise.

The kid’s eyes are locked on the screen. He’s got this look in his eyes is like he really believes that his brain must be malfunctioning. Like he just can’t comprehend what he’s watching. Like as if he didn’t even know she was a porn star. His jaw drops.

After about 30 seconds of this kid standing in front of the screen, frozen in the hypnotic spell of ass, mouth, ass, mouth, ass, mouth… he turns to her asks her a question, and I hear her say, “I was gonna tell you.”

NO FUCKING WAY.

I was gonna tell you?

Suddenly, the party just exceeded my wildest expectations.

Is it really possible that this chick could be so crazy that she would invite a guy to a party where a bunch of people are going to sit around and watch a movie of her getting gorilla fucked and not let him know what he was in for?

How is this possible? I have to talk to this guy.

They’re talking, and I’m trying to eavesdrop, but the sound of the movie is drowning out their words. I’m only picking out every third or fourth word that they say, because the guy’s nuts are slapping off this chick’s ass every couple seconds with a sound that was like someone cleaning off chalk board erasers.

So now I’m hearing chalk board erasers slapping together, gorilla, otter, erasers, gorilla, otter…over and over again, and every couple seconds I pick up a word or two of their conversation.

The guy eventually leaves her side and heads to the bathroom, and I decide to grab him when he gets out, and hope that he’s willing to tell me what happened.

I just can’t wait. I know this is going to be hilarious.

I’m staring at the bathroom door waiting for him to come out with the same giddy anticipation star wars geeks must have when they’re sitting in the theater, and the opening credits are about to roll.

Finally, the kid comes out.

“Hey man, can I talk to you for a second?” At this point in time it was pretty clear that he didn’t know anyone here, and he looked like he needed a friend to talk to so I didn’t even feel bad for prying.

“Are you dating that chick?” “Um… well sorta. This is our first date.”

“Did you know that she did this?” The kid starts laughing, “No, I had no fucking idea. I just met her out at a bar the other night. She told me she was a makeup artist.”

WOW.

Could you even fucking imagine the jolt that went through this kid’s mind when he first stepped out of the car and saw what was playing on that screen?

This whole thing must be a tremendous disappointment, but he was handling it like a champ with a smile on his face.

This girl is pretty hot, and he probably thought he had struck gold when he got her to go out with him.

He probably told all his friends that he most likely had met the woman he was going to marry.

Probably said that she was a real catch, and that he was going to scoop her up before some other guy steals her.

He probably picked her up for their date that night with sweaty palms and a dry mouth, giddy with anticipation. He might have even been so excited about this date, that he lost sleep the night before, tossing and turning just thinking about it. Hoping that it would all work out perfect and that he wouldn’t say something stupid and screw it up.

Everything was going great, until he stepped out of the car and looked up at that screen. The dream was shattered.

Ass, mouth, ass, mouth, ass, mouth…

For a second or two, I bet he was even searching in his mind, trying to find some way that he could be OK with all this. I mean, this chick IS pretty hot.

Ass, mouth, ass, mouth, ass, mouth. Gorilla, chalk board erasers, otter, gorilla, chalk board erasers, otter.

Nope, there’s no fucking way this is going to work out.

Damn, that sucks. She’s pretty fucking hot.

“Fuck,” I said. “That’s one of the craziest things I’ve ever heard in my life.

Can I get a picture of us?”

“Sure.”

Get her over here, too. I want a picture of all of us together.

I spent some time the other day at the LA zoo.

I always have torn feelings about the zoo. I love watching animals, but I hate the fact that they’re locked up.

I watch these tortured creatures pace around in their small little cells, and I wonder how it feels.

The chimps are the weirdest, because they look so much like people.

Why is it ok to do this? Why is it ok to snatch animals up out of their home, and lock them up in a cage? I look around at all the happy, smiling people, and I wonder why they’re not getting bummed out by all this shit the way I am.

Little fat kids wander around, barely interested.

They point, and the chimps stare at them.

“Mommy I want one!” Can we have a monkey instead of a dog?

“No honey, those are wild animals.”

“Why does the zoo get to have them as pets then?”

Good question, kid.

Why do we find that to be OK?

I mean, it’s one thing if we’re correcting a human created problem, like saving an animal from extinction that was put into jeopardy by loggers or something, but why are we locking up wild animals just so that people can stare at them?

Our thirst for knowledge leads us to justify some pretty fucking cruel shit.

Just watching the lions pace about in this tiny yard makes your heart ache.

It’s not like they’re bad lions, and that’s why they get locked up. No, they just happened to be hanging out in Africa in the wrong spot at the wrong time, and now they find themselves years later caged in this tiny area that they will most likely die in.

Another thing that troubles me about the Lions, is that they never get to kill again.

They don’t ever get to feel the thrill of taking down a fleeing wildebeest, and then clamping a hold of it’s neck and feeling it’s life slip away.

That’s what they’re designed for. They serve a purpose in the eco system. That’s why they’re here, and we deny them that which gives them purpose in life.

They must hunger for that experience.

Instead, they’re just served platters of cold meat in a concrete and steel cage while idiots like me stare at them.

I’ve always thought that at the very least we should let the Lions chase and kill their own food.

I also think feeding them prisoners would be a great idea.

I mean, if you’re going to kill the prisoner anyway, why not let a lion do it and have a little fun? Why do you want the guy to die an easy, pain free death? I mean, not to be cruel or anything, but the guy is going to fucking die. What difference does it make if it takes 5 minutes or 5 seconds? In the end, the guy is fucking dead.

Just as a means of saving the tax payers money, I think it would be a great idea.

It costs good money to throw someone in the gas chamber, and then you gotta autopsy and bury the body… even more hard earned taxpayer money gone to waste.

Why do all that when you can just feed them to the lions?

Why waste a perfectly good chunk of flesh? I mean, people are edible, right? And it costs money to get meat for the lions, right? Well, there you have it. Two birds with one stone. Plus, how fucking bad ass would the zoo be if you got there on rapist and murderer day? How sick would it be if they never removed the carcasses, and you could go to the zoo and see the bones of 20 dead douche bags scattered throughout the lion’s cage?

I’m not saying we should do this for all crimes, but I strongly feel that if you rape and murder someone it should be ok to feed you to the lions.

Put it on the internet as some sort of a pay per view and you could use the proceeds to balance the budget. Everybody wins. Once less douche bag in the world, the lion gets to have fun, and instead of costing the people money, it’s earning.

I know what you’re saying, “Why, if we did put something like that on TV, civilization would fall apart!” Trust me, Fear Factor didn’t knock us off our current course, and I don’t think “Prisoners vs. Lions: Primal Justice” would either.

I do have to admit though, there’s something really fascinating about seeing animals other than us, even if they’re locked up. It’s a weird thing when you really look at them up close. I mean, we’ve become so conditioned to seeing dogs and cats, and watching animals on TV, but as I’m standing here looking at these poor chimps pace around in their cage, I can’t help but stare in wonder. It’s not like seeing them on TV. You look over at them, and you can feel that they’re thinking.

I sat in front of the chimps for at least a half an hour, just watching them move and interact with each other. They’re so close to people.

It’s kind of amazing that people are still willing to argue that humans didn’t come from chimps, especially now that they’ve mapped out the human genome, and discovered that we’re 96 to 99% chimpanzee. What does it take for people to admit that we came from them? I have a bit about it in my act, “if I gave you a sandwich, and it was 99% shit and 1% ham… would you call that a ham sandwich?”

The thing I always think about when I see apes, is that if we evolved from them, what the fuck are they still doing here? How come some of us became these super smart creatures with language, and technology and creativity, while the rest of the chimps just decided to stay exactly as they are?

Kinda weird when you think about it.

Terence McKenna believed that it was because some of the apes discovered and started eating psilocybin mushrooms. It was his theory that as the climate changed, and the rain forest receded into grasslands, some of the apes started eating these mushrooms as a regular part of their diet, and along the way they developed new ways of thinking.

If you’ve ever done mushrooms, then you probably know some of the logic behind his theory.

At low doses, psilocybin actually increases visual acuity, and makes you horny.

An increase in visual acuity would make you a more effective hunter, and the horniness of course would cause you to breed more often.

What these mushrooms do at high doses is that they give you a completely different way of looking at the world. Like a giant pause button that allows you to step out of a scene, and take a fresh look at it, free from the constraints of normal patterns of thinking, and even your own preconceived notions of yourself.

You can achieve some fascinating revelations when you’re on them.

So what you would have if our ancestors started eating these things on a regular basis, is a bunch of really aware, thinking, horny apes that can see really well.

Now, I’m no scientist, but that sounds like a recipe for evolution to me.

Who knows whether he was right with this theory or not, but we do know that the evolution of the human animal is the most puzzling thing in all of nature.

The greatest mystery in the entire fossil record, without question, is the doubling in size of the human brain over a period of 2,000,000 years.

The idea is that some of the apes never ate the mushrooms, and never figured it out. They stayed in the jungle, while our ancestors evolved into the lofty position we find ourselves in today, standing in front of these caged chimps, trying to figure out how the fuck this all happened.

I often wonder if our idea that it’s impossible to figure out the past is kind of along the same lines as a cave man thinking that it’s impossible to get on the internet with your cell phone. Maybe it’s just beyond our current level of understanding.

Maybe with new discoveries and new advancements in science and technology, we’ll someday realize that everything we see is a code. That the whole universe is a giant mathematical program that can be read if you understand it.

A code that contains all the necessary information for us to read it once we understand it, and we can look into it and have the answers to the origins of everything from the big bang, to the emergence of biological life, to the why people like pro wrestling.

I think with some people it wouldn’t even matter. They want to believe what they want to believe, and all the evidence in the world isn’t going to change that.

“I didn’t come from some drug addict monkey!”

Are you sure?

What a fascinating animal we must be to watch.

I don’t think we can remove ourselves from being human enough to really appreciate the absurdity that is us. I think I’m aware of it to a certain extent, but then again I’m just as retarded as everyone else is. It’s like I have moments of complete clarity, surrounded by periods in time where I’m yelling at some shitty driver. Alone, in my car, the windows are up, he can’t even hear me, and I’m in my car yelling at the top of my lungs “You dumb motherfucker!!” Without fail, every time I do something like that, as soon as I do it, I sit around going, “What the fuck is wrong with me? What kind of retard am I for freaking out about something that stupid?” I mean, there are some really important things to focus on in this short life, and the guy in front of you that doesn’t have the balls to merge isn’t one of them. It should mean absolutely nothing to me, but here I am sitting in traffic allowing myself to get worked up.

Now, as I get older and hopefully wiser, I notice that these moments of personal retardation are becoming much smaller and much less frequent, but the point is that they’re still there.

I think I can appreciate my own folly as much as the next guy, but in the end we’re all just people, and this is what we’re used to, as much as you can try to separate yourself so that you can look at it like an objective bystander, you really can’t.

Humans are so ridiculous that it’s beyond reason.

Reality is more fucked up than bad fiction.

No suspension of disbelief that we’re required to make in any Harry Potter book can ever top what you’re supposed to swallow if you read the Warren commission’s report.

No episode of “father knows best” was ever as stupid as John Ashcroft demanding that the breast of a statue be covered up.

Could you imagine a movie where there was a guy that played the president, and the president character was really dumb? Dumb like making up words, and saying Nigeria is an important continent… Shit like that? And that this dumb guy leads us into a war with a country that never did anything to us? And that people actually supported him?

Could you even imagine something that dumb?

No, we demand more from our fiction.

Reality is far more ridiculous than an episode of “Charmed.”

And it’s hypnotic. The dumber it is, the more prevalent it is.

The news of Nick and Jessica getting a divorce spread like wildfire though the land, and meanwhile, something that happened at the same time, one of the most fascinating discoveries in the history of cosmology, has gone virtually unnoticed by the masses.

They’ve recently discovered the first “invisible galaxy” that consists of mostly “dark matter” the unknown force that accounts for at least 88% of the mass of the universe.

This is a giant step towards understanding a force that has been pretty much a huge mystery to science, but do we expect people to care?

Nope.

The fascinating news of the dumb, hot chick with the big tits and the creepy dad getting back on the market trumped what is arguably the most important discovery in all of man’s years of studying space.

That’s fucking hilarious.

If I was an alien watching all this shit, I think that I would be laughing my fucking ass off.

I mean, I’m laughing and I’m one of us, could you imagine if you could be an alien seeing this shit?

I’ve always said that if there are aliens out there, I think Earth is like the Tijuana of outerspace. I don’t think they come here to save people, I just think they come here when they’re fucked up, and they want to see a show.

They’re pulling a late night, and someone gets crazy and wants to go to earth.

I mean, just think about the main thing that people associate with alien abduction. I don’t even have to tell you what it is, we all know it. It’s like the two things go hand in hand; alien abduction – anal probe.

I mean what the fuck is that all about? Aliens don’t have an MRI machine? No, I think they do it for a goof. They stick things up our asses because when they do, we make a funny face.

Then they erase the bad memory and deposit you back in your bed.

Maybe what aliens are is us in the future. Maybe that’s what we’re evolving to, and we’re the things that are left behind, we’re just too dumb to be aware of it.

Maybe we’re no different than the chimps in the zoo not understanding that the hairless apes staring and pointing, somehow originated from the same tree as them.

I would like to state for the record, that I would not mind being an alien’s pet as long as they were as cool to me as I am to my dogs.

Fresh off the presses!! Catch while it’s still innocent and pure, before some evil TV executive decides to have his way with it!!

It’s mostly about my good friend and road dog, Joey Diaz.

Joey is easily the funniest guy I’ve ever met in my life, and you’ll see why after you watch this: http://www.joerogan.net/joeshow.php

We even have an ipod version!! We’re geeks!!