I keep threatening to update this fucking thing more often, but reality keeps intervening.
I think I’m going to give myself a “to do” list everyday, and make my blog a daily part of that shit. I don’t like to put myself on a rigid schedule like that, but realistically it might be the only fucking way I’m ever gonna get shit done.
I watched this youtube video the other day, where there a guy was talking about “earning your breakfast.” What he meant was that you should do something first thing in the morning; go for a run, lift weights, do some yoga, etc – and that after you’ve done something physical you’ll have earned your morning meal.
Well, I really liked that concept, so I started applying it to my life, and besides the obvious health benefits, I find that putting something like that in a “rule” form helps me get it done.
I’m going to have to find something like that to get me to write here more often.
Maybe I won’t allow myself to jerk off unless I write… well, that won’t work, because sometimes I have to jerk off before I write just so that I can relax and concentrate (or at least that’s what I tell myself.)
Why am I lying? Nothing is gonna stop me from jerking off, I’m a freak!
Anyway, maybe I won’t allow myself to go online until I write… although that might not always be the best idea either, because that’s a major source of inspiration for me.
Either way, I’ll find something.

So, as an update, since the last time I wrote here tons of cool shit has happened.
First off I went to London for the first time.
What a trip that was, both literally and figuratively. I always thought it was cool back when I lived in Boston to go check out the old historic buildings. There’s this one old cemetery that I’ve been to a few times that has tombstones that date way back to the 1600s. It’s such a weird thing to wrap your brain around; that someone lived in that same area hundreds of years ago; before cars, before phones, before air travel – very little of their world resembles the world today, and it all went down right where you’re standing.
It’s just one of those things that makes you go, “wow” when you look at it and think about it.
Well, if Boston makes you go “wow,” London makes you go “Holy fucking shit!”
It was so fucking cool, we were driving by Castles – I mean like real live, King and Queen inside with a moat outside type Castles. Beautiful, ancient buildings built in a style that will most likely never be replicated in human history, and there it is right in front of your eyes, still standing.
So much cool old architecture, with modern buildings right next to them, while cars drive past them on roads invented for horse and buggy traffic.

I did two nights of stand up in London at a cool place called the Arts Theatre.

The way we’ve I’ve been trying to do it, is every time I’ve got to travel for the UFC, I just set up comedy shows out there to go along with it. There’s a really cool comic from Manchester named Dave Bishop that I met on my messageboard, and we’ve been doing these gigs together over there. He sets them up and secures the venue, and then he opens for me. We did Manchester, Belfast, and now London. It’s been fucking awesome. For one thing, he’s a really cool guy; very friendly, very smart, and he’s a real comic. He really loves the art form, and he’s having a great time with it. It was really a pleasure to work with him, and I’m looking forward to doing more shows with him the next time I get to the UK.
He wrote a blog about it that you can check out here:

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=44398692&blogID=308976606

It’s cool doing shows in England, because the comedy transfers perfectly over there.
For whatever reason some English humor can be an acquired taste to people living in the US (except for Ali G, of course. Respect,) but American stand up just seems to fit right in over there.
It’s almost like they’re too polite for us, but our harsher sensibilities are really appreciated over there. Who knows. Whatever the fucking reason, the crowds were fantastic, and I can’t wait to go back. London has got to be one of the coolest cities in the world. Compared to your average US city it’s just shocking how much nicer and cooler most of the people you meet over there are. I don’t know why that is, but it would do us all a lot of good if someone could figure out what the difference is.
One of the coolest things by far, was traveling half way across the world and seeing a dude with a Joe Rogan T shirt on.
THAT was a fucking trip.

The fights were fantastic, and the trip was one for the ages.

I’m starting a new thing on the site soon, where I give away 2 free pairs of tickets to any of my shows every week. What I’m trying to do, is to get more people to sign up for the mailing list that I’m putting together. I know that I haven’t been the best at keeping this site current, but nothing annoys me more than when I’ve just left a town, and I get an email from someone saying, “Hey man, when are you coming here?”
And then I have to tell them that I was just there, and I probably won’t back again for at least 6 to 8 months. That fucking sucks.
The best way to keep that shit from happening is to sign up for my email list.
I’ll never give it away to anyone, and if you want to be removed, there’s an unsubscribe link with every email I send out. And if you ever unsubscribe and want to come back, fuck it, that’s ok too.

I’m off to San Francisco this weekend for two shows Friday night at Cobb’s. I was just there a month ago, but they’re having some 25th anniversary celebration this whole month, and they asked if I would come by and celebrate with them and perform one night. Since it’s one of my favorite clubs in the country, of course I said yes, and that I was honored.
It’s only one night, though. Just 2 shows on Friday. If you live in San Fran, hopefully I’ll see you there. And I’m gonna get this whole update thing figured out. This new version of the site is really sort of a work in progress, so I should have some new features up very soon.
Thanks for tuning in…

I come to you from 40 years of age.
That’s right, baby- four fucking zero.
I turned 40 August 11th, and I gave it a little while to set in, but I’ve gotta tell you, so far I feel exactly the same. It feels like just another day in the life.
To other people though, it seems that saying you’ve turned 40 is a lot like announcing that you’ve got terminal cancer of the asshole.
People ask me, “Happy birthday, how old are you now?”

“40.”

“HOLY SHIT!”

You can actually see some people flinch when I tell them.
It doesn’t matter how you look or feel; in our collective consciousness that number 40 is a turn for the worst on that long, dark, dirt road to dead.
It’s something engrained in us.
We’re programmed by our society to freak out about certain milestones.
I remember about 10 years ago I was talking to a friend and she was turning 30 and when I talked to her about it she was in tears. She just couldn’t get over this new number that she had to wear around.
Meanwhile she had so much shit going for her; she was healthy, living in America, had good friends, and was very attractive. It was literally the prime of her existence, and she couldn’t be more miserable.
In her eyes that number 30 was like a gigantic evil boulder suspended above her head by a creaking rope, and with every day that went by it crept lower and lower towards it’s ultimate goal of crushing her head.

Now, I don’t “look” or “feel” like the average 40 that I see because I work out constantly and take a fuck load of supplements (including hormone replacement therapy) to keep my body healthy - but the reality is no matter how you slice it, I’m fucking 40.
On one hand our perceptions of what’s possible at an older age have definitely been changed by modern athletes that compete at the highest level WAY later than they did decades in the past because of the advances in science and nutrition. For example, one of the baddest motherfuckers on the planet, the UFC heavyweight champion Randy Couture is 44 years old, baseball’s homerun king Barry Bonds is 43, and boxing’s light heavyweight champion of the world and one of the best pound for pound fighters alive, Bernard Hopkins is 42. When I was 15 a 40-year-old athlete might as well be dead.
“40 is the new 30!” Whatever the fuck that means.

I think we’ve all got this weird idea of people that somehow a 60-year-old man and a 20-year-old man are different things, but they’re not. A 60-year-old man is nothing but a 20-year-old man that survived.
I mean there certainly is a difference in the way you carry yourself with age, and I’m most certainly better at being “me” now than I was when I was 20, but that’s just really a matter of getting more comfortable socially, and accumulating more information and applying it to the matters in my life. Understanding myself better, developing a better personal philosophy, etc.
What I’m really trying to say though, is that at the end of the day, when absent of outside influence, when I’m thinking with feeling and no words – whatever the real “me” is, it remains exactly the same. That’s not something I would have guessed when I was younger. I just thought somehow “I” would be different.

I always thought that by the time I got to be the respectable age of 40, maybe politics would somehow make sense to me.
No such luck.
I’m just as baffled as to how such a goofy system like this could be in place now as I was when I was 20.
Now that I’m actually of an acceptable age to be a politician, it makes even LESS sense. Now I hear these fucking people talk their crazy talk, and I realize that some of them are actually my age. When I was 20, they were 20, and now here they are on some weird fucking talk show sitting around with a bunch of other dudes around my age, wearing ties and uncomfortable shoes, talking about how important it is to put a stop to gay marriage.

I always think, “who the fuck is that guy hanging out with?” I mean, besides other closet homos, of course.
There’s nothing wrong with being gay, don’t get me wrong – but when I see a guy on TV and he starts connecting gay people in love with “ruining families,” I automatically picture that guy scuffing up those shiny shoes on a piss stained men’s room floor, breathing the sour smell of urinal hockey pucks and other people’s shit though his nose because his mouth is filled with a stranger’s hog.
As a matter of fact, SO many conservative politicians get caught blowing dudes, that I’m starting to think that maybe they’re ALL gay.
From Mark Foley to Ted Haggard to Jeff Gannon to Larry Craig - maybe that’s why they’re really against gay marriage; they don’t want their bitch getting any of their cash.
I hear ya, playa. I ain’t hatin’.

One of the craziest things about politicians is that they all have writers, and that doesn’t even bother us.
We don’t even really get to know what “they” think, because everything “they” say has been carefully planned and scripted in advance by a team of experts. They just slip on those shiny shoes and repeat what’s written.
Why do we still allow that? I mean, these aren’t fucking late night talk show hosts we’re talking about, they’re people positioning themselves to become the commander in chief of the greatest military machine ever known. Shouldn’t we have a better idea of how their brains really work?
I say we should forbid them from having writers, and have a webcam on them 24 hours a day to makes sure they don’t cheat. That, and force them to sit down and write a blog every day telling us how they feel about the world.
Could you just imagine how awesome Bush’s blog would be to read? How about with no spell check?

Another thing that freaks me out about political speeches is why is it that we still accept that weird, fake way of talking?
Could you imagine if someone tried to talk to you one on one the way the president addresses the nation? Why is it OK to talk like that just because you’re talking to a bunch of people?
I think the whole fake aspect of it is really probably just some left over shit from back when they had to address a large crowd with no microphone. You couldn’t speak in a conversational tone back then, because there were hundreds of people gathered to hear you talk, and if you spoke in a normal tone most of them wouldn’t be able to hear a fucking word you said. So politicians, much like stage actors playing loud to the back of the room, learned how to say things in short, loud, meaningful bursts to allow for as many people as possible to take it all in. It became a pattern, and once a pattern is set, we tend to keep it around for a long time.

One of the more shocking realizations that I’ve come to be aware of in this fairly long life, is how much of the direction of our lives just revolve around following patterns, regardless of how silly they are.
Once we’ve got a groove carved, that’s where we follow unless something radical shifts us off course.
I mean, if you look at it objectively, although there’s certainly massive evidence of human technological progress over the last hundred years or so, comparatively speaking human social progress hasn’t really changed all that much.
I mean yeah, women can vote, and slavery is illegal now, but the hard, retarded facts about humans are still concrete; we still have war, we still have massive corruption in our government, we still have bad words, and we still take comfort in fairy tales.

Right now the problems we as humans have in the world all revolve around the same basic needs that we’ve had for thousands of years; we need to control the resources so that “we” and the team “we” are on, can survive in comfort. At one time it was fighting over fertile lands and herds of animals, then it was shiny metal and beautiful women, and now it’s literally the blood of the earth.
A fierce battle to see who gets to suck off the main vein, and the blood of the earth gets used as fuel to power the very machine that poisons it.

Sometimes I think that the only thing that’s going to alter this fucked up direction that we humans are traveling in is the advent of some sort of technology that you could have never guessed would exist. Something so insane that it radically shifts the way we interact with this dimension, or even removes us from the physical boundaries of it. An idea so crazy that until it’s invented, it wouldn’t even be something thought of in science fiction. Much like the internet is today.
I mean, if you look back on what they were capable of on star trek; they were able to break down human beings, several at a time into particles and transfer them down to another fucking planet - but nobody ever dreamed that you could have all of the information in the entire world accessible wirelessly on some small glass screen that you keep in your pocket. They thought of warp speed, but they never dreamed of an iphone. They didn’t even have cameras or cool ring tones on their little walkie-talkies. Their shit was straight ghetto.

There could be some new discovery right around the corner that we couldn’t possibly imagine now, and it could change every single thing as we know it, forever.
It could possibly be a time machine, or maybe an actual portal to another dimension that the whole world can plug into.
A god switch…

Sounds like nutty stoner talk, right?
Of course it does, but if you look at what some scientists are up to right now it starts to seem a little more possible. Even though it doesn’t get much coverage in the daily news and people don’t talk about it like they talk about gay politicians or coke snorting actresses, there is some CRAZY fucking shit going on right now.
How about these particle colliders? They’re in the middle of putting together two of the largest, craziest fucking machines ever conceived by science. Just how big is that? How about 25 fucking MILES big. A gigantic machine that smashes electrons and positrons at insane speeds in an effort to figure what the fuck mass really is.
The only problem; it might create black holes. But I wouldn’t sweat it. I can’t see how that could possibly go wrong, can you?

Maybe that’s the real human “race” - technology vs. the stupid.
Maybe this world is so irreconcilably fucked up that the real race isn’t to see who controls the resources, but rather a race between the destructive motivations behind war, fascism and propaganda, and the ambitions of the human imagination and technology - which ironically need money and resources to fund it.
Maybe the real race is to find and invent the god switch before the dopey territorial apes in charge of highly sophisticated weapons that they couldn’t possibly have invented on their own, wipe 90% of the life off the planet and the whole process has to start again from scratch.

Maybe that’s what December 21st, 2012 is all about?
Just a little over 5 years left, bitches. Live it up!

To wrap things up, here’s a little video of my birthday show, thanks to everyone that was there at the show to share it with me!