I had been feeling a little “off” the last few weeks, and I couldn’t really put my finger on it. I started having a toothache, and a dull pain in my jaw, and considering that I hadn’t been to a dentist in almost 10 years it’s not that much of a surprise.
Well, I got checked out, and apparently that “off” feeling was a fucking rotten hole in my head where my tooth had decayed to the point where it had caused a hole in my jawbone that had bacteria growing in it.

It turned out that I had to get a root canal, and the next day I was getting a hole drilled into the problem in my head. The dentist drilled away until he broke through to the pocket, and the most putrid fucking smell came out of it. Like rotten eggs and sulfur. Then it really sunk in – that shit was in my fucking head! A rotten hole in the bone in my fucking head.
Yikes.
Now I’m on antibiotics, and I’ve got a new found respect for how important dental hygiene is. My whole system was thrown off by this, and didn’t realize how much so until I got it cleared up. I feel like a new man now.

It really made me stop and think how fucking lucky we are to have modern medicine. If it wasn’t for doctors my physical life would be total shit. I’ve had 3 knee surgeries, including 2 ACL reconstructions. Amazingly enough, they don’t bother me at all now. The left one had some meniscus taken out, and sometimes it gets a little sore, but nothing worth complaining about, but my right one feels fantastic. Just a hundred years ago these injuries would have left me a hobbled mess.

A hundred years ago the hole in my head would have probably never been diagnosed since x-rays weren’t around, so I probably would have continued to suffer until the tooth just rotted out of my head and left me all fucked up and infected. It might have even caused a heart attack and killed me.
Pretty fucking nuts when you think of how recently a hundred years ago is in the greater spectrum of the earth’s time line.

I’ve decided to take care of another problem that’s been bothering me forever, so next month I’m going to get my nose fixed.
Not the way it looks, but the way it works. My nose has been almost useless to breathe out of most of my life. I fell down a flight of stairs and crushed it when I was 5, and after that years of kickboxing and jiu jitsu have left the inside of it filled with broken cartilage and scar tissue that almost completely blocks air from coming in that way.
Whenever I take a yoga class they’re always getting on me to breathe in through my nose and out through the mouth, but my shit just doesn’t work correctly.

I’m a mouth breather.
Literally.

I’ve been wanting to get it fixed forever, but I’ve never been able to set aside the time for recovery. When you get something like this done, you can’t work out at all for 2 weeks, and then after that there’s absolutely no contact for 4 weeks, so in my mind that means that I’m going to get horribly out of shape and get my ass kicked in jiu jitsu when I get back, and that never seemed that appealing. It’s really one of those things where I have to just bite the bullet and take the 6 weeks off and just get the damn thing fixed already.

Getting things taken care of feels great.
Just getting the tooth taken care of not only makes me feel better physically, but it’s also one more thing I don’t have to think about. The less bullshit I’ve got rolling around in my head the better, and over the last couple years I’ve gotten really good at clearing things up and getting rid of problems in my life. Peace of mind is really a fucking incredibly underrated commodity, and as I’ve gotten older and wiser that’s one of the more important lessons that I’ve learned.

Physical health is another thing that simply can’t be emphasized enough. Usually it takes me getting sick until I’ve really got that fact drilled in my head to the point where I can truly appreciate it, but over the last couple years I’ve been really diligent about reminding myself of how important it is while I’m still healthy.
I realize at the end of this blog entry that it’s not even remotely entertaining, but I still think it’s worth posting.
Take care of your body, party people.
That’s my message of the day.

I promise the next blog entry won’t be so serious and dry. Other than my stinky hole in my head and impending nasal surgery, everything else is damn groovy.
I had a fantastic time at the House of Blues in Vegas Friday night, and the UFC fights Saturday were off the charts.

One thing I did differently for the House of Blues show was that I made it a sitting only show. In the past there would be a lot of people seated, but then there would be a few hundred more standing over by the bars.
That always led to people talking and generally made the mood of the show more like a rowdy bar gig and less like an entertaining comedy show. I never even thought about doing anything about it until I went to see my buddy Doug Stanhope perform a couple weeks ago in LA. He did a gig at a bar here, and it was standing room only.
I’ve done plenty of standing room only shows, but that was the first one that I’ve ever seen as an audience member, and it was pretty uncomfortable.
Standing up and performing for an hour and a half is one thing, but watching a show while standing up kinda sucks. After a while my back was bothering me, and I wanted to stretch out. Doug was hilarious, but I was actually relieved that it was over. I learned a lot from that, and from now on whenever possible I’m going to have sitting only shows.

I know they turned a lot of people away Friday night at the House of Blues because of this decision since it meant they couldn’t sell as many tickets, but I guarantee it was a much better show for the folks that went. It was better for us too. I had a great fucking time, and there wasn’t nearly as much drunken heckling. I’m sorry for the folks that didn’t get tickets in time, but that just means you gotta be on the ball and hop on that shit early!
Join my mailing list to stay up on all my future gigs.

This weekend I’ll be in San Jose at the Improv with Ari Shaffir and Tom Segura. It should be a fucking bang up weekend, so hop on the tickets early so you don’t get left out of the party.
See you bitches then…

Onward to the fucking desert!

I’m in my office packing up my shit (last minute of course) and getting ready to head out the door to do the Improv in Tempe, AZ.
I’m really looking forward to this weekend, as it’ll be a “Full Deathsquad” event with Ari Shaffir, and Joey Diaz.
I’m working on a ton of new material too, as my Spike TV special is going to air June 20th and I’ll have to have a whole lotta new shit after that.
Crunch time, and I love it! Tempe is always an awesome spot to perform. It’s a great club, and I filmed my 2005 showtime special there.
Come on down and join the fun!

Thursday 8pm
Friday and Saturday 8pm and 10pm

Joe
http://www.symfonee.com/Improv/tempe/home/Index.aspx
The Tempe Improv
930 East University Drive, Tempe, AZ 85281 USA
(480) 921-9877

I shot some green screen footage today for the opening of my Spike TV comedy special that airs June 20th. The opening segment of the special has me in a space ship shaped like the alien head logo, complete with these amazing shots of space and me blasting through the galaxy and landing behind the Southern Theatre in Columbus, Ohio.
It’s all done in computer animation and it has to be one of the coolest fucking things I’ve ever seen in my life.

I can’t fucking wait for this thing to air!!

I’m headed to the Improv in Hollywood tonight for a late night set to loosen up for this weekend at the Improv in Tempe. It’s going to be another epic weekend, bitches!

We were doing an online reality show back in the day that we called “The JoeShow.”
Redban and I are ramping up getting ready to do a new online video project, so we thought we would release one more before we get cracking with the new shit.
Enjoy!

The full crew is headed to Phoenix, Arizona Thursday, Friday and Saturday to perform at the Tempe, Improv. It’s one of my favorite stops in the country, and the place where I recorded my 2005 Showtime special. I’ll be slinging a bunch of new shit your way getting ready for my Spike TV special to come out June 20th.
I’m really kicking my stand up into high gear these days, and I’m really looking forward to laying it down for my friends in the desert. We’re going to film a lot of short clips for the internet while we’re there, and we’re probably going to do some webcasting from the hotel room. Stay tuned to here and my twitter page for more details!

Today I went to a Renaissance fair for the very first time. I had seen them in movies, like in the hilarious “Role Models” but I had never actually personally witnessed the majesty that is a giant, fenced off area with thousands of dorks pretending that it’s 500 years ago.
Now, I want to be clear that when I say “dorks” in no way do I use that word with a negative connotation. Some of the finest people I’ve ever met in my life were dorks. I certainly have been guilty many times of being a dork myself, and I personally think it’s an honorable distinction. It’s far better to be true to yourself and be a dork than it is to be wishing you had the balls to be one.

I’ve done many dork-worthy things in my day, like for instance I was once in an online “Quake” clan where we would not only play online, but we would meet up from all around the country, hook all of our computers up and play each other in the same room and still refer to each other as our online screen names.
For real. That shit’s pretty fucking dorky.
If you were in denial I guess you could try to argue about video game addicts being dorks. You could point out how cool the games look, or how exciting they are to play, but the bottom line is that if you’re holed up in a room with a bunch of other dudes holding in a wicked mountain dew piss and screaming out in excitement because “CraZe” just gunned down “ReSDog” you’re a fucking dork.
It ain’t a bad thing, but it is what it is.

This Renaissance fair shit however, makes THAT kind of dorky just step aside and bow down with amazement. It’s so ridiculous that it’s absolutely magnificent.
It is a public orgy of group fantasy. A strange, and seemingly unlikely event where thousands of people agreed to gather together to play make-believe for weeks at a time. And they all even agreed on the time period.

Logically, it doesn’t seem like something that would catch on, but it sure as fuck did, and from the looks of it, most of the freaks there were having a pretty good god damned time. I watched as people in their fifties got out of their cars dressed up like Elizabethan nobles with huge smiles on their faces and a spring in their step as they quickly headed towards the gate, eager to join the gang bang.
I was thinking, “when the fuck do these people ever get this excited about anything other than this?”

Now, the whole Renaissance fair thing seems like a funny subject for a scene in a movie, but there’s virtually no way that can compare to the actual real thing happening right before your eyes – especially when you’re higher than Tommy Chong on the moon. Now, I knew that a lot of people there would probably be talking and acting like they’re from the time period, but the sheer number of participants was just overwhelming. There were thousands of people there, and at least 50% of them were dressed up and in character.

“My lord, doth thou not enjoy this fine day of song and drink? Let us raise our goblets and toast to another day thou art above ground! Huzzah!!”
He raised his silver goblet, and I touched it with my diet pepsi. You go, boy.
I ain’t hatin’.

It’s kind of weird to me how one period in time got the Lion’s share of all the fairs.
There’s no cavemen fairs, or Dynastic Egypt fairs but there’s a hundred and fucking eighty Renaissance fairs in this country alone. That’s pretty crazy considering that the history behind this shit occurred overseas. If they have 180 of these things here, how many of them do they have in England? It must be borderline obscene.

I watched these people move from group to group, going up to each other and exchanging in-character greetings. They even played out these little improvised scenes where some pretended to be kings while others were wenches and servants and what have you. They weren’t doing it for an audience either. They were doing it for themselves. They were just getting off on pretending.

I stopped and thought about it, and although I have absolutely nothing against these nice folks, I do think that participation in these fairs should limit your employment possibilities. Like for instance; you can’t be a Renaissance fair enthusiast and also be the vice president of the United States.
Not that you have to be perfect to be the VP – clearly you don’t, but we’ll only allow so many personal flaws. You can be addicted to golf, or have a reputation as an adulterer, or have been a problem drinker in the past, but you can’t be in a parking lot in Temecula dressed up like King Arthur yelling out orders with a turkey leg in your hand. That’s just way too fucked up.

There’s nothing wrong with some harmless pretending, but if people find out that’s what you’re into, no one is gonna want you to perform their brain surgery. And can you blame them? We all know that people occasionally wind up with jobs they’re not supposed to have, like bullies becoming cops or trannys selling make up, so when you find out that the guy flying your plane through a storm spends his days off dressed like a jester, you’re allowed to get freaked.

I was amazed at how well these people stay in character. Most of them were excellent at it. In one interesting moment an old lady broke character and started complaining about her husband not taking his medication, and her friend who had probably heard this boring shit a thousand times in the past stayed in the game and played dumb. “I know not of what you speak of. What is this “prescription” thou refereth to?”

Well played, fake prostitute from 500 years ago, well played. Good for you, keep that selfish bitch in check. Who the fuck does she think she is shitting all over your awesome make believe party with her real life problems. Save that shit for the walk back to the car, cunty.

It made me think, I wonder how long people could keep acting like that? If there was a reality show, and the last person to stay in character won a million bucks, how long do you think people could hold out for?
If they were all living in a house together, and they have to do everything and say everything as if they were living in the 1500’s – how long do you think people could hang in there? That would be a real mind fuck.

I wonder if it would ever just become the new way you think and talk after a year or so.
I bet if the show got popular enough it could even spin off into a new sect of society that choses to live and act like a Renaissance fair 24/7/365. Maybe they could all pool their money together and buy an island where they can all live the dream together.
Weirder things have happened.